The Easiest Ways to Be a Better Parent for Your Teen
Do you know what your teen thinks, feels or does most of the time? Maybe one day you will feel a surly attitude, but you have no idea if it’s a problem at school, a social divide, or just the behavior of the day. If you feel like your teen is a black box that you don’t know how to open, manage, or interact with, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can learn tools to shed light on this black box, even if you never fully understand it.
“The goal is to develop a mindset, not to become an expert,” parenting coach Jim White said. “For me, seeing myself as an expert means I don’t have to learn anything new, which actually leads to a fixed mindset.” Okay, the pressure is off, you don’t have to be an expert on parenting teenagers – you just have to learn and grow.
White is the author of How to Be the Parent Your Teen Needs: Without Fighting, Frustrating, or Fearing Doing the Wrong . We studied his book and our conversation with him to find the easiest ways to be better parents as teenagers.
Connect before you try to fix something
Resist the urge to go into problem-solving mode if your child is struggling with something.
“If your teen is experiencing fear or negative emotional energy, they may not readily accept any of your advice, guidance, or wisdom,” White wrote in his book. There it includes 9 ways to contact your teen. We asked him to name something a parent could do on a daily basis to connect. His answer: Be playful.
Have you thought that there is no need to play with your children after primary age? What probably happened is that they had their own interests, some independence, and you could no longer see what place you occupy in their entertainment. But none of you are too old to play. White suggested the following ideas for daily games:
- There is a joke of the day.
- Learn to play one of their video games.
- Play ball in the backyard or do other outdoor activities.
- If they are interested in learning to play the guitar or any other skill, take lessons together.
- Play boardgames.
- Share funny family stories.
- Watch funny videos on YouTube and TikTok together.
Confirm them
If you are a parent over a certain age, you may not have had much experience in validating your feelings when you were growing up. If you can’t naturally acknowledge a teenager’s feelings, all you need is practice. “The purpose of affirmation is to let the teenager know that he has the right to feel what he feels, and at the same time not to judge these feelings,” White wrote.
Try these phases:
- “I understand why you feel this way.
- “It makes sense that you are angry/sad/frustrated.”
- You have a completely normal reaction to the situation.
Take an interest in your child
Of course, we want to know every detail of their day. Didn’t we ask, “How are you at school?” every day since the first day of pre-K? However, you may not be getting the most detailed answers to this question these days, and it’s time to change your style. Try asking a more specific question, such as “What was the funniest/weirdest/wildest thing that happened at school today?” If they don’t fall for the bait, try again by asking a question about something specific they did, like “How did you feel after your math exam?” If they are still reticent, don’t push. Sign up with something positive and you’ll leave the door open for them to share when they’re ready.
“The solution is to shift your focus from results to process,” White wrote. “Ask questions that encourage them to think and share their point of view.”
When you’re trying to get a child’s point of view on a new or larger topic, don’t push for answers right away. The teenage brain is very busy and needs time to process information. When they speak, take your time to give advice or give your point of view. Just listen.
Check out what the hell they talking about
Sometimes your child may be more than willing to talk, but you’re rusted into the current teenage language and it doesn’t all make sense. Try answering these clarifying questions to find common ground:
- What do you mean when you say (fill in the blank)?
- I’m not sure if I understand what you mean when you use that word – what would I say instead?
- Tell me more about…
Put a little gratitude in your attitude
Try this gratitude technique: When your child does something helpful or kind, tell them how much you appreciate it and acknowledge the quality that goes with it. For example: “Thank you so much for helping my brother with this assignment! You are really good at solving your younger siblings’ problems and you are generous with your time.”
Not only are you giving good old positive reinforcement, the practice of gratitude trains your brain to better deal with conflict when it arises. “You can’t be afraid and grateful at the same time,” White said. “A growth mindset leads problems to be seen as gifts, which leads to feelings of gratitude. This gratitude will displace any feelings of fear or insecurity.”
Ask your family one question
This should be a family exercise, so make sure you hear everyone’s opinion. The question is, how should we treat each other in our family?
Find a consensus and write down the word, phrase or sentence you come up with. Congratulations: You have the beginnings of your own Family Vision Statement . White believes that it should be in every family, because shared values and beliefs are the basis of family ties.
Shift responsibility for messy rooms
Taking care of their space at home is a practice when they move out on their own. Instead of banging your head on dirty bedrooms, try letting them take full responsibility for it. Agree with your own family restrictions, such as not allowing them to do anything in their room that is unsafe, illegal, or negatively impacts the rest of your family. Then you let go of the situation while they learn to balance responsibility and freedom.
Write a note
The first few times you may feel trite and your teen may seriously roll their eyes, but handwritten notes just make an impression. This allows your message to sink in and your child is more likely to keep these notes to feel connected to you later. Use notes to express regret when you have a disagreement, support when something difficult happens, and say thank you.
Lastly, you can’t really screw it up. Yes, teens can make mistakes and parents can make mistakes, but your core interest in learning parenting skills and loving your child almost guarantees that he will be just fine.
“Love has amazing healing powers,” White wrote. “Therefore, as parents, there is nothing we can do that will cause irreversible damage. All relationships can be healed and all families can restore a sense of purpose, peace and joy to their home.”