How to Stop Yelling at Your Child for Phone Use
You can’t blame teenagers for being too attached to their phones. We have given them technology that gives them unlimited access to their friends and the world, and of course they will want to use it as often as possible. (Is not it?)
According to a 2022 Pew Research study , 95% of US teens use YouTube, 67% use TikTok, 62% use Instagram, 59% use Snapchat and 32% use Facebook. And 35% of teens said they use one of these top 5 sites “almost all the time.” Jim White , parenting coach and author of How to Be the Parent You Should Be a Teen , said that more than any other question, teen parents ask him about how to navigate their kids’ phone use.
“I would say that the responsible use of social media is the number one issue parents face today,” White said. “Parents worry about the loss of social skills, the impact on health and school performance, the risk of inappropriate fasting, sexual predators and bullying for their children.”
It’s a lot. But White shared with us his three-step approach to helping kids use their devices more responsibly, and it comes down to getting them in the process, not dictating hard and fast rules.
Step one: change your mindset
The sad fact is that your ability to control your teen’s digital life will only decrease as they get older. Instead of controlling, set the goal of empowering your child to make choices and regulate their online activities.
“Go from trying to control what your teen does on social media to empowering them to make responsible choices,” White said.
To move from control to empowerment, learn more about how you respond to their phone use.
“The next time you run into a social media conflict with your teen, take a break. Notice how you’re trying to control what your teenager is doing,” White said. “Then ask yourself, how can this circumstance be an opportunity to connect or empower my son/daughter to make responsible choices?”
Step Two: Be Curious and Make Connections
“The ability to influence or empower a teenager is directly related to the quality of the bond between a teenager and their parent,” White said. He suggests starting a conversation about phone/social media use with the following questions:
- Which social media platform do you like the most?
- What do you like about it?
- What is the biggest benefit of social media?
- What are the disadvantages of social networks?
- What happens if you can’t use social media all day long?
“When your teen answers these questions, resist the urge to dismiss their opinion or condemn it as wrong,” White said. “It’s the fastest way to turn a teenager off.” Remember that this is not a debate and you are not here to correct their opinions. You are gathering information to better understand your child.
Step Three: Teach Your Teen to Use Technology Responsibly
Finally, work with your child to come up with a plan so that your teen can enjoy the benefits of using social media while minimizing the risks. Remember, it’s about empowering them to make the right choice.
“For each relevant topic, I recommend that the teenager first share their thoughts and opinions. The parents then share their thoughts and opinions. When there is a gap, develop a plan to bridge it,” White said.
Start your planning session with the following topics:
- Where, when and how appropriate is the use of social networks?
- How to protect yourself on the Internet?
- How to Practice Good Social Media Etiquette
- What can be published and what not
- How to know if what you read online is worth believing
In theory, following this format would mean that both parents and teens know what is expected of them because you have collaborated to set boundaries.
“I encourage parents to never underestimate the power of their expectations,” White said. “If you see your teenager as a thoughtful and responsible young person, you might be surprised at how thoughtful and responsible they can be.”