That’s When Your Relationship Needs Separate Beds
Sleeping with a partner in the same bed is synonymous with happiness in a relationship. Waking up next to the love of your life, cozy hugs and sex? What’s not to like, right? For a number of couples, the answer is everything. While tradition says that partners should sleep together in the same bed, this choice may not be the most beneficial when it comes to sleep quality, which in turn can affect the relationship. Not surprisingly, many couples choose to sleep separately, and many believe that they were the ones who saved their relationship .
“Sleep is essential for everyone, so if cohabitation is keeping you from getting a good night’s sleep, then separate beds may be the answer,” saysCarolyn Rubinstein , Ph.D., licensed psychologist, Lifehacker.
Curious if having separate beds or even bedrooms can benefit your relationship? Here’s what you need to know.
What are the signs that a couple needs to sleep separately?
I do not need to sleep separately if there is a fatal error in your relationship, or that one person is in disgrace for what he did. It may simply mean that you have incompatible sleep habits – and that’s okay.
“People like different temperatures during sleep, the thickness of the blanket, and some like complete silence and darkness,” says Rubinstein. “There are several reasons why a couple may need to sleep separately. If a partner snores, has disturbing sleep habits, a conflicting work schedule, or a different circadian rhythm, sleep may be the answer.”
How Separate Sleep Can Benefit Your Relationship
There are many benefits for a couple choosing to sleep separately, Rubenstein said. One of the main benefits, she says, is that if one partner’s sleep habits tend to interfere with the other, sleeping in separate beds can provide longer, more restful sleep for both people.
“When our bodies don’t get the rest they need, we risk mental and physical health problems that can damage relationships,” she explains. “In addition, sleeping in separate beds can prioritize intimacy in a relationship. Not being able to roll over and touch your partner means thinking more about seeking out intimate moments and preventing couples from taking it for granted.”
How to talk to your partner about sleep alone
There remains a strong cultural stigma around individual beds or bedrooms. People, including your partner, may think that your need for a separate sleeping area means that you don’t like your partner or find them attractive. When discussing this topic, Rubenstein recommends reassuring your partner that everything is fine and that love and attraction are still there.
“Your partner may start thinking the worst, so it’s important to be empathetic and listen to their thoughts on the subject,” she says. “The key is to let your partner know that you didn’t make the decision on your own, but instead want to work out the decision together as a couple. Be clear about your reasons for liking the idea and keep an open mind throughout the conversation. Finally, it’s important to note that this may require more than one conversation; the conversation should probably go on.”
What are the possible disadvantages of separate sleep?
While there are clear benefits to having separate sleeping areas, Rubinstein points out that sleeping individually isn’t right for every couple, and the decision should be discussed and made together. “Staying in different beds and rooms can jeopardize the intimacy of a relationship, both emotionally and sexually,” she says. “It can also leave one partner in a relationship feeling distant and abandoned. On a practical level, this could mean an increase in expenses due to the purchase of a new bedroom set or a move to a larger home.”
Why living alone might be the best option
Taking it one step further, couples may even consider living in separate residences to help their relationship flourish. Such an arrangement can work for partners with very different personalities, who may have conflicts while living together, but do not necessarily have to part because of it, Rubenstein said.
“They have the space to be themselves and get together whenever they want,” she says. As the saying goes, “absence makes the heart more loving.” By living in separate residences, couples can individually thrive and schedule when they see each other or dine together. Because they’re not together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, there’s heightened excitement and novelty when they see each other.”
Don’t worry about what others think
Sleeping or living alone can be bewildering to those around you, but as Rubenstein points out, “Just because something is considered ‘normal’ doesn’t mean it [will] work for you. All the time, in other aspects of life, we welcome out-of-the-box approaches and out-of-the-box thinking to solve problems, so why should choosing to sleep separately be seen as something else?”
She suggests openly discussing and educating friends and family who are interested in how you sleep will help take the stigma off and make the practice more widespread. After all, she recommends doing what’s right for your relationship. “Take steps to mitigate any relationship issues that may arise from sleeping apart,” she says. “You can stay in the same bed and chat and cuddle and have sex until it’s time for bed. Thus, you will not miss intimate moments. “Separate” is just a practical matter.”