Can You Really Beat Someone by Getting Under Someone?
You have probably heard it many times before: if you want to beat someone, you need to beat someone. But even if the rebound feels good at the moment, does it really heal a broken heart? According to Dr. Jess O’Reilly, relationship expert and Lovehoney sexologist, it depends on the person and how they interpret sex.
“If you associate sex with comfort, attachment, stress relief, connection, intimacy, and other positive experiences, you may find that fulfilling sex can help you move on,” she says. “If you find yourself craving the novelty of dating, the excitement of a new relationship, or just the pleasure of sex itself, rebound sex may be right for you.”
Even if you’re not the type to normally have casual sex, O’Reilly says there’s a reason why rehab sex sounds so appealing after a breakup.
“We are programmed to look for all sorts of connections—emotional, romantic, social, and (in most cases) sexual,” she says. “After a breakup, relationships can be soothing, and when interactions are positive and supportive, they can temporarily relieve pain.”
So how do you know if getting hit by someone is the best option for your heartbreak? And how do you deal with a casual date after a breakup?
Is ricochet sex a good idea after a breakup?
Like everything related to relationships, it really depends. If sex is a source of discomfort, shame, stress, or negativity, “it might not be the best option for you,” says O’Reilly. Also, if your friends encourage you to leave or have sex but you don’t feel like it, she recommends trusting your instincts. “There is no right way to heal from a breakup, and even if one approach works for many, it may not work for you.”
However, O’Reilly notes that research shows that distraction can help after a breakup.
“Distraction is often considered a form of avoidance, but you don’t have to feel, rely on, and process every negative emotion at every moment,” she says. “It is quite normal to avoid sadness, pain, loss, grief and other negative emotions for a period of time. In the end, you will have to grieve in your own way, but each person’s path is unique. Theories and models of grief may be helpful to some people, but they are not universal. If part of dealing with loss involves seeking pleasure and an erotic connection, then so be it.”
So if you want to try and beat someone by getting under someone, don’t beat yourself up about it. This may be what you need to pull away and grieve your relationship in your own way.
How to Engage in Rebound Sex in a Safe and Healthy Way
Dating culture is alive and well, but because casual sex can be very delicate both emotionally and physically, O’Reilly recommends the following:
- Know what you want to visit (for example, you can decide what you want before you go to a bar and start drinking)
- Be honest with yourself (i.e. don’t feel compelled to do something because your friends like it, as it might not work for you)
- Enjoy! Practice safe sex and enjoy.
How do you know you’re really ready to have sex with someone new?
Rebound or not, in terms of knowing when you’re ready to have sex again, O’Reilly says it’s less about timing or the amount of time after a breakup than about the quality of the connection and the sex, even if casual, is more important to consider.
“If you’re with someone you feel good with—safe, connected, desirable, playful, or whatever feeling you’re looking for—you’re on the right track,” she says.
However, she adds that healing after a breakup is “not a one-time deal.”
“One night or a meaningful connection may not be all it takes to overcome pain, loss, betrayal and other specific feelings,” she says. “In fact, you can enter into a happy relationship without healing some of the wounds of a previous relationship, so don’t think a new connection will offer a quick fix. Two things can exist at the same time: you can have a happy new relationship (casual or serious) and you can still struggle with the pain of a previous relationship.”
Ultimately, do what you think is right, in the safest and most responsible way – and let yourself have some fun if that’s what you want.