How to Build a Parent Village When You’re Feeling Isolated
We all have a reminder that “we need a village.” It’s easy to imagine raising your children in an idealized community full of elderly villagers caring for and caring for them; experienced villagers who teach them skills, sports and arts; and other parents who listen to your frustrations and offer support and solutions. Wow, sounds nice.
But the reality is that some of us have problems with the countryside. We don’t live close to family, we’re new to the area, we don’t have outgoing personalities, we don’t have social anxiety and neurodivergent traits that make it difficult to connect with other people. Where is our village?
Don’t panic if you find yourself without a village. It is possible to build a village to support your family, and you can also figure out how to contribute to your village in ways that suit you. Here are some tips on how to fill in the gaps in your community.
Be deliberate in building your village
For many of us, this village will not suddenly appear around us. Unless you’ve lived in the same community all your life and are surrounded by family and trusted friends, it will take some effort to find people you can rely on.
In her book From Chaos to Calm: 5 Ways Busy Parents Can Break Out of Overload (coming out April), Jenna Hermans describes community as one of the five pillars of a relaxed parent. She advises starting to consider the people you interact with regularly as potential villagers.
Make a list of everyone you interacted with during the week (or month), from the teacher who helps your kids out of the car to the neighbor you see walking the dog every day. Maybe you’re getting semi-regular text from a PTO parent that schedules all events.
All of these people have the potential to become a stronger bond. Identify everyone who makes you feel good and look for opportunities to continue the conversation or let them know that you appreciate them.
Check your connections
If you already have a spreadsheet with all of your regular contacts so you can keep track of when you’re talking to them, I see you. This is a reliable way to support your social activity when it is not easy for you.
Links increase communities. Try texting once a month — send a meme, ask how you are, or share a “heard?” with light gossip. The worst thing that can happen is that they are too busy to respond and you try again next month.
Maintaining regular contact with family and friends who live far away from you can also help build your community. You never know when someone from their circle might live close enough to join your circle.
Let your interests lead
Don’t subscribe to football coach if you don’t like football. You’ll just get stuck hanging out with a bunch of people who like what you don’t care about. Make it easy for yourself by joining groups or online communities and volunteering for the things you are most passionate about. You are more likely to connect with people who could end up being your local support system.
Show up in your area and community
Ann Helen Petersen wrote about community building measures in a recent edition of her culture study newsletter. She wrote that “a huge part of the problem is good old social anxiety, nervousness and fear of embarrassment … all these things that pop up in your head when you’re trying to convince yourself to go for something, which is a lot.” it’s easier to stay put.”
Just by showing up at a social event, you exponentially increase your chances of making a connection that will support you in the future. Try to appear in one of the following ways:
- Attend an event or event that you see on the community calendar.
- Sign up for a class (and come).
- Be present and visible in your own backyard or neighborhood.
Because showing up to an event can be very difficult when you’re experiencing social anxiety, Petersen recommends writing down your intention to come and sharing your plan with someone else so they can support you. Sometimes a little encouragement is enough to get you out the door.
Start a conversation
Once you’re (sort of) comfortable with the community, the next step is to speak up. Say hello to the people you see every day. Look for opportunities to offer help, compliment something small, or listen to a conversation you don’t normally get out of. This is not chit-chat, but part of building your community is that you yourself need to be a good villager.
In an extended conversation, talk about things you need help with, such as finding a pediatrician or a place to get an oil change.
Find a friend in case of emergency
It may take some time to build a village, and your baby steps may not make you instantly swim in the sea of your chosen family. But eventually, bad days and literal emergencies will happen. Identify the person in your life who lives within 30 minutes and answers your phone in the middle of the night. Is there someone to look after your baby if your partner is out of town and you need to take your baby to the emergency room? Make finding that friend a priority; invite someone to be that friend and you will automatically earn a million villager points.