When You Can (and Can’t) Double-Message Someone You’re Dating
Dates have their share of rules (“wait 24 hours before the end of a date to call”), as do text messages (“never end a text with a period if you don’t want to be a jerk”). Put them together and it’s no wonder we’re so worried about sending and receiving messages from our latest fan. Text etiquette is already a tricky area to navigate in the throes of new relationships, so how do you deal with double text?
Double texting is when you send someone two or more text messages before they reply to the first one, and it’s often considered “crouching” as it can come across as a bit needy or desperate if you’ve just started dating someone. When it comes to texting, patience is everything, says Laura Bilotta, founder of Single in the City , an experienced dating coach and matchmaker. “If you’re still in the early stages of a relationship with someone new, try to show some restraint. After all, one message may be enough for your lover to answer you!”
If you are guilty of sending double text, don’t worry. Bilotta breaks down when it’s appropriate to send a double text, and when it’s appropriate to double and refrain from sending.
Should you send this double text?
If you’ve just met someone, you’re probably better off not hitting send. “Double texting someone can feel desperate or intrusive, and your conversations will be less romantic,” says Bilotta. “Taking time to give the person space before continuing is essential in any meaningful text conversation.”
Instead, Bilotta recommends understanding your motives for sending this double text. “Think about what you want from this exchange: is it something meaningful or just an attempt to calm those unsettling feelings that we all feel when communication does not go according to plan?” Bilotta says that if you’re feeling sad or anxious about not receiving a response message, that’s perfectly normal. Work through your emotions instead of responding to this person. “It can be hard to wait for a response, but if it does happen in the end, patience will pay off.”
And remember: it’s completely normal not to hear from someone for a day, three, or even a week, especially if you’ve just met.
Is it always possible to send double text?
Of course it is. There are no hard and fast rules, as each situation has its own nuances. It’s okay to send a follow-up message if you’re wondering about the other person’s feelings or trying to prevent potential pain, frustration, and rejection, Bilotta says, but “try to give him a chance to reply to your first message before you text him.” you do so. By sending an additional message, you can get the response you want, never allow yourself to think that this is anything more than just an untimely notification.
It’s also okay if you’re double texting for logistical purposes, like if you’re trying to contact them for something important, like rescheduling or confirming plans. “Sometimes one message doesn’t help and a second push can be just what they need to respond quickly so things can move forward,” she says.
Just make sure you don’t rely on double text to manipulate the other person’s time or get them to share something with you that they aren’t ready to express yet.
“It’s important to remember that the recipient of your messages also has a life,” says Bilotta. “If they don’t answer, there’s a good chance they’re busy doing something else and can’t get to the phone right away — you’re just putting extra pressure on them and showing that you expect them to answer. as soon as something happens.”
What to do instead of sending double text
If you’re feeling down because someone didn’t respond to your message, don’t be discouraged. Bilotta says you need to process these emotions and take time for yourself, as well as deliberately taking your eyes off your phone. “It will give both of you space and also give them a chance to lend a hand when they least expect it.”
In the end, says Bilotta, the most important thing is to remember yourself. “Everyone deserves to have people in their lives they can count on and appreciate. If your feelings aren’t reciprocated and you don’t get a response, that’s okay – you could be missing out on a whole world of opportunity. So use this as an opportunity to explore and meet new people.”