In Fact, “failure” in Dating Is a Good Thing.
Nobody likes to fail at anything, especially love. Even if you’re successful at work and in friendships, dating can cause all sorts of anxiety and fear, especially if your love life continues to crumble. According to relationship coach Laura Doyle , it’s normal to be afraid that you won’t succeed on a date.
“There is a real fear of ‘losing’ in the whole dating game; basically wasting time with the wrong person, not finding the right person, or just ruining the relationship in general,” she says. “Imagine the stress and anxiety you feel when a deadline is rapidly approaching but you are not yet close to completing a task. Now take that up 10 steps and you get the emotion that some people think their internal clock is running out.”
Remember, Doyle says, that dating should be fun, even if you “don’t succeed.” Think of it this way: every “bad” experience actually brings you closer to your ideal partner and relationship. That’s why.
Change your attitude towards dating and failure
According to Doyle, people are often more afraid of failure than excited by dating adventures, which can lead to choices they later regret. It might look like staying in an unhealthy relationship or convincing yourself that you don’t deserve love or that something is wrong with you if you haven’t found “the one” yet.
“Maybe thinking failure isn’t such a bad thing,” Doyle says. “In the end, there is always a lesson to be learned that will help prepare for future success. If you accept the possibility of failure, you can quench unpleasant feelings of stress and anxiety by reopening the doors to frivolous entertainment.”
So instead of being afraid that the date might go wrong, tell yourself that you will have fun no matter what and that feeling good is your top priority whether you click the date or not.
Failure also leads to the path to self-discovery.
Doyle believes that dating “failure” is also a good opportunity to look at your own negative patterns so you can improve on them to help you find the relationship you want.
“Imagine that you are evaluating a failed date or a failed relationship in terms of what you did to contribute to the situation,” she says. “You are much more capable of creating the life you want if you can honestly look at what you don’t want and what you did to attract or create it in the first place. If we don’t know something is broken, we can’t fix it, right? Relationships are always magical at first, and if you bring bad habits into a new relationship, you are just as likely to fail.”
The sooner you realize how you can sabotage your love life and do the work to heal your old habits, the sooner you’ll be on your way to finding the right relationship.
Failure helps you realize what you want (and don’t want)
Nobody likes awkward dates, but try it on yourself: dating the “wrong” people helps you realize the qualities you like and don’t need in a partner. For example, take stock of what you focus on when you meet with potential partners. Are you overemphasizing little things that you “seem” to like for fear of rejection? Or do they match what you really want in a relationship? Sometimes we may continue to meet people who do not share the values that are close and dear to us, because of the fear of “failing.” However, what if you saw dating failure as a quick way to move on to meeting someone who ticks all the boxes instead?
“Rapid promotion can be beneficial,” Doyle says. “For example, if you focus your attention on what you most want to attract, what you focus on and focus on will expand.”
Bottom line: don’t settle for less. Be clear about what you are looking for and focus more on what you want. Let that intention guide you more than your fear of failing dates.