Why Revenge Cheating Never Works

Infidelity is a wound in the heart. If you have been cheated on, you are likely to experience many emotions from resentment and anger to resentment and betrayal. Unsurprisingly, you may even feel like you want to get back at your partner for the pain they caused, including engaging in revenge cheating.

“Revenge cheating is when a person cheats on their partner in response to their infidelity,” saysHanna Guy , a licensed clinical social worker. “To put it simply, it’s cheating on your partner as a way to get back at him for cheating on you.”

Cheating for revenge may seem like a quick fix in the heat of the moment, but in the long run, it’s an unhealthy response to your pain. Here’s what you need to know about revenge cheating.

What is treason revenge?

“Revenge cheating is when you discover that your partner has been having an affair (whether emotional or physical) and then you go out and intentionally cheat on him to “get back at him,” Guy explains. This usually happens in long-term relationships and marriages, when the betrayal hurts deeply and there is a sense of entitlement to invest years and energy into the relationship.

Types of betrayal out of revenge

According to Guy, the main types of infidelity relate to emotional or physical infidelity. “However, every relationship has its limits of infidelity. I’ve talked to some couples who consider watching porn cheating, while many other couples don’t.

Emotional cheating means that you are emotionally connected to another person—for example, sharing intimate stories, being someone’s confidante, and developing an emotional attachment—without any physical closure.

Physical infidelity is when someone has sexual intercourse with someone other than their partner. This may include sexting and sharing nude photos.

Why do people take revenge on infidelity?

It comes down to attachment trauma. “Attachment trauma is when you were never taught how to have healthy and secure relationships with others,” Guy explains. “For many, this trauma occurs in early childhood from their parents. Attachment trauma can also occur later in life (say, when your partner cheats on you). This will then affect how you move forward in future relationships as a way to keep yourself safe.”

According to Guy, a person who suffered such a trauma realized that the only way to respond to a partner’s infidelity was to hurt him in return. “This is not a place of deep pain, anger, loss and fear of abandonment. It gets to the point where it hurts so much that the only way to feel in control again is to hurt your partner as much as you are.”

Does cheating out of revenge improve the relationship or partner?

Simply put: no. “Deceit in general undermines trust between partners. Cheating for revenge may seem satisfying at first, but eventually it starts to haunt you again,” Guy says. “Hurting your partner, especially out of revenge, will not help or heal your relationship. It doesn’t erase everything from the face of the earth, because now you’re even, because you both cheated.

According to Guy, cheating out of revenge is never a good idea, especially if you want to save a relationship. “Even if you don’t want to repair your relationship, it won’t help you heal from the hurt and pain your partner has caused you.” Not only do you avoid experiencing the betrayal you experienced, but by cheating out of revenge, you also compromise your own morals and values, and you may suffer from a lot of guilt. As a result, you may experience feelings of low self-esteem and couple this with the loss you are already experiencing due to your partner’s infidelity, and you are bound to feel even more pain.

What should a couple do in case of infidelity?

“You can’t fix it on your own,” Guy says. “The problems you are experiencing most likely existed before someone cheated, and these problems need to be addressed in addition to the problems created by infidelity. Most likely, you have inadequate communication patterns in relationships that are very difficult to change. This is definitely the time to seek professional help.”

How to forgive cheating partner?

There is no step by step guide on how to forgive your partner. “Every person’s path to forgiveness will be different. I will say that forgiveness takes time and patience,” Guy explains. “Take your time. Give yourself space to actually feel the pain you are going through. By forcing it, you hinder your ability to fully heal.