How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Teenager
One of the most difficult parts of raising children is the uncertainty about the future. As much as you want (and try) to do the right thing, it can be difficult to predict what the end results of your efforts will be when your child eventually grows up and leaves home. Parenting during adolescence can be especially challenging as teenagers become increasingly independent and begin to distance themselves from their parents. It’s enough to make any parent wonder what kind of relationship they’ll end up with with their adult children, and if there’s anything we can do now to change that.
In a recent study that included 1,631 participants aged sixth grade to age 22, researchers examined how parent-adolescent relationships developed over time, and how likely participants were to report close relationships with their parents at the end of the study. They found that teens who reported warm, involved relationships with parents who practiced effective discipline were more likely to report close relationships at age 22.
In contrast, adolescents who reported a change in their parental relationship over time, with their parents becoming less warm and less involved, and using harsh or unpredictable discipline, were less likely to report close relationships with their parents as adults.
How does your relationship with your teen change over time?
“The teenage years are the period of life when you want teenagers to strive for independence and autonomy,” said Shichen Fang, a researcher at Concordia University and one of the study’s authors. One consequence of this increased autonomy is that “you do see a decline in the relationship between parents and children, both in terms of quantity and quality.” For teens, their world expands to include social life and interests outside of their family, while for parents, the stakes of parenting can seem much higher the closer their teen gets to adulthood.
“Our research has shown that parenting can change dramatically during adolescence: Parents often express less warmth and affection, spend less time with their teens, and become more strict in their discipline,” Greg Fosco, a Pennsylvania State University professor and one of – according to the authors of the study. However, while parental pressure may make you feel that these changes are necessary, it can have a long-term negative impact on parent-child relationships.
This is especially true if parent-child relationships go from warm, loving childhood to tough, less affectionate relationships during adolescence. “We were able to show that if the decline in parent-child relationships is too steep, that steeper decline will lead to a worse outcome,” Fang said.
The importance of a warm relationship with a teenager
During the study, researchers were able to ask participants about how much time they spent with their parents, how often their parents expressed affection or appreciation for their teenager, and what kind of disciplinary action they took. Adolescents who reported close relationships with their parents as adults reported spending more time with their parents, receiving more affection and appreciation from their parents, and also reported being disciplined consistently, fairly, and without cruelty.
In practice, this may look like spending time together at meals with the whole family, doing common activities together, or discussing homework and schoolwork. “They don’t always say, ‘I love you,'” Fang said. “It can be showing affection in other ways. Children need to feel that you love them.”
When it comes to disciplining a teenager, researchers look at three distinct components: whether the discipline was consistent, whether the teenagers were given a clear rationale for rules and discipline, and whether the discipline was harsh. Adolescents who reported consistent, non-rigid discipline that they understood were also more likely to report close relationships with their parents as adults.