The Ideal Number of Dating App Conversations You Should Have at the Same Time
If you are currently using a dating app, you know how easy it is to get sucked into too many conversations. Who doesn’t like to sample a bit from Column A and Column B? Also, when you first get to know someone, it seems like a good idea to keep your options open until you find someone you really like. But is a few conversations really the best move?
According toLaurel House , an expert on harmonic relations, the answer is yes. “Internet dating is a great way to diversify your dating opportunities. When it comes to a dating platform, you get more than diversity, you get to meet people of different religions, races, ages, life paths, professions, interests, etc.,” she tells Lifehacker. “While historically you could only date one particular type of person, now that you have access to a plethora of other ‘types’, it’s time to be an ‘equal opportunity sensor’ and date differently. If you approach things with an open mind, you may surprise yourself and discover that your ideal partner is the exact opposite of your typical type.”
If you open yourself up for dates with different types, it is obvious that the number of potential dates will increase. But it doesn’t have to be overwhelming, House says.
“Most do not pass the pre-qualification stage and are subject to elimination. What’s great about online dating is that you don’t have to spend time in person, minimizing resentment because you end it before it even starts,” she explains. With that in mind, how much dating talk is the ideal amount?
How many conversations do you need to have at the same time?
Repeated conversations with different people do not give you the right to be careless about human hearts. “Just because you’re dating a couple of different people doesn’t mean you’re superficial, fickle or playful,” House says. “And you don’t want to talk to more than nine people at the same time. Associating with too many can dull your personal feelings, and associating with too few can make you yearn for more.”
Her magic number? Three.
“You can meaningfully communicate with about three people at the same time,” says House. “Meaningful” means you have honest, vulnerable, connecting conversations. You have transferred communication from the application to the phone, perhaps in real life. And you can keep dating three people in real life as you hone and focus on what you really need in a relationship. When meeting multiple people, you have multiple choices, and with choices, you have the ability to make an informed decision.”
Hold three matches at the same time
While it could be argued that most of us are programmed to fix our attention on one person at a time, House says dating only one person at a time can create “self-hypnosis” to make it work, since you don’t have any other perspective.
“In this tense place, you can feel and act out of a sense of lack, which can prompt you to show up and feel fear, insecurity, neediness, or desperation,” she explains. “When the fear of losing someone is your guiding force, you may make poor decisions. When you’re with that one person, you get high.”
But if you’re dating multiple people, she says most of us will feel less high with each person, which is actually a good thing. “When you don’t have high levels of dopamine flooding your brain and your judgment, you can think clearly and are more likely to notice those important red flags.”
Do not have more than nine conversations at the same time
If you like the “more is better” idea, it’s good to remember that chatting with more than nine people on the app can create confusion. It is easy to forget conversations, facts and feelings. While details and facts are important, feelings are even more important.
“Perhaps you have a great conversation with one person. You share, connect, and feel an increased interest in that particular person,” she says. “But if you then shift your attention to one of the many other people you’re talking to, you can actually forget the heightened feelings you momentarily experienced.”
This explains why people often fall short when it comes to dating on the app—even potentially one of your magic threes. “You might think you’re great at talking to someone, and then all of a sudden they stop responding, but you can’t take that personally,” she says. “We don’t know what’s going on with them. Maybe they first connected with someone else, and despite the connection with you, their connection with someone accelerated and deepened faster – and this has nothing to do with you.
How to date three people at the same time
How do you separate your feelings from each of your magic three? House says it’s a matter of strategy and detachment.
“When you are on a date with each person, be completely in that person in that moment. But then pull away once that date or conversation is over so you can be fully present with others. I invoke it all, without being tied down,” she says. “This strategy allows you to be fully present with each person, thereby giving each individual relationship the respect and presence it deserves. It is difficult to have a confident vulnerable connected presence with more than three people. You must be open-hearted, present and aware in every individual relationship. It’s hard to do with more than three people.”