The Stages of Grief After a Breakup (and How to Deal With Each One)
There’s a reason why separation often feels like death. Whether you initiated a breakup or fell victim to it, there is a period of mourning at the end of a relationship.
“When a relationship is truly valuable, a breakup can be incredibly stressful psychologically, emotionally, and physically,” says Dr. Carla Marie Manley , clinical psychologist and author of Smart Dating: Transform Your Relationships and Love Without Fear. “Grieving is natural.” the loss of a person, a relationship and the routine of a relationship that seemed precious and familiar. When a person is heavily invested in a love relationship, a breakup can be as devastating as the actual death of a loved one. When we grieve, we give the psyche a chance to go through and come to terms with the heavy feelings that come from a significant loss.”
Not surprisingly, the five stages of grief, first described by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, apply to separation as well.
“The five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are not linear in nature. A person suffering from grief can cycle through the first four stages before eventually, if ever, reaching the stage of acceptance,” says Manley. “Some go through different stages quickly (like going from denial to anger and then quickly back to denial), while others can stay in a stage like depression for a long period of time. Whether grief is the result of a broken relationship, being fired from a job you love, or losing a loved one, the steps are the same.”
With that in mind, here are the five stages of grief after a breakup and tips for overcoming each one.
Negation
“When a breakup happens, the first stage of denial usually comes out as distrust,” says Manley. “People at this stage often say, ‘I can’t believe this happened to me’ or ‘This must have been a bad dream.’ Even if there were problems before the breakup, you can convince yourself that therapy or time can help solve your problems, or that your partner will change his mind soon.
While Manley stresses the importance of being compassionate and patient as you go through each stage of grief, she says that if feelings of denial arise, “it’s important to recognize that denial – desires may be different – is part of allowing… go the process.” In other words, evaluate what happened and try to understand that the breakup was for the best, even if you can’t see it right now.
Anger
“The anger stage often involves anger, rage at a former partner, or even projecting anger onto friends, society, or family,” says Manley. “During this stage, those who are prone to dysregulation may exhibit intense angry behavior towards the former partner or material items associated with the partner (eg, throwing away personal items associated with the former partner).”
But being angry isn’t always a bad thing, according to Manley. “When we pause to feel our sadness, anger and frustration, we give our feelings a chance to breathe,” she says.
However, people tend to stay in this stage for a while, especially if they feel victimized. To intelligently channel your rage, talk to a close friend or family member about it, or join a new training class. (Maybe boxing?)
Bargain
“Hargaining often comes in the form of wishful thinking or actual reaching out to a former partner to repair the relationship,” says Manley. “For example, a person might call an ex and say, ‘We should try again. I promise that this time I will be better. I’ll even go to therapy if you think it will help.”
Bargaining is usually used as a kind of negotiation to avoid the pain you feel and feel better again (even if it means completely ignoring your previous relationship problems). You may even try to get your mutual friends and family involved in this to try and convince your partner to come back. Instead, find a trusted friend or family member who will remind you of your worth and worth, and why breaking up was the right choice for you. Dive into hobbies and activities that boost your self-confidence is another great option.
Depression
“Depression is often the longest stage, especially if the ex was truly loved,” says Manley. “Depression comes from the realization that the person is largely powerless to make any real change and that the loss is real. This stage includes deep sadness due to the loss of a partner, relationship, and the loss of other factors such as mutual friends, family, and usual activities.
Here you may experience problems sleeping or eating and/or indulge in habits that can dull your senses, such as drugs and alcohol, shopping, casual sex, or overeating. This is the best stage to seek help from a therapist or healthcare professional. “It’s important to seek support from a therapist if the grief process seems out of control or is affecting your ability to function,” says Manley. “Breakups can be incredibly stressful and discouraging; reach out to others so you don’t have to endure pain alone.”
Adoption
That’s where you’ve finally come to terms with the breakup and are ready to move on. This does not always mean that you have completely let go of your partner and do not experience any residual emotions; it simply means that you have found some peace in your situation and are ready for the next stage in your life.
“Ideally, we let each stage flow through us and then move forward,” Manley says. “In this way, we understand that grief is a way of our psyche, allowing us to slowly relax, preparing to move forward.”