Why the 50/70 Rule for Eye Contact Is Bullshit
Do you think about how long you look someone in the eye during a conversation? I don’t. Maybe because it’s never been a problem in my life, or maybe because I’m too selfish and lazy to care, but it never occurred to me to worry about how long I stare into the eyes of others. people when I talk to them. . That said, it’s an interesting question – maybe I’ve been doing it wrong all my life – so I delved into the “eye contact” culture and came back with ideas and questions, but no good answers.
What is the 50/70 rule?
If you search the internet for tips on good eye contact, you’ll find tons of links that mention the “50/70 rule”. This edict states that you must maintain eye contact with the person you are talking to about 50% of the time you talk and 70% of the time you listen. And that sounds good – until you dig into it a little.
The first glaring problem with the 50/70 rule is simple math. If two people use optimal eye contact time, it won’t work out numerically. How can I look someone in the eye 70% of the time when they look me in the eye 50% of the time? This led me to ask where this rule actually came from.
Some sites mention “research at Michigan State University” as a source, but do not link to the study. There is this post from Michigan State University Extension Professor, but its only links seem to be dead. I was able to find one study that shows that eye contact allows participants to retain more information from the speaker during a video call 30% of the time, but this is actually not the case. So, until I find out otherwise (and I really could have just skipped the study), I will assume that the 50/70 rule is one of those things that rings true, which is why people keep repeating it without checking.
Based on the research I can find (and anecdotal experience regarding “normal” social interactions), consciously controlling how long to look, where (and when), and to keep up a conversation would be extremely difficult and probably counterproductive.
If you don’t believe me, try it. My wife and I experimented with this and we both found it almost impossible to calculate the correct percentages and distractions to try. It’s also creepy and funny.
What is eye contact for anyway?
If you tend to lean toward the analytical side of human experience, non-verbal communication can sometimes be confusing because even if people communicate through words, that’s only a small part of why they’re talking. The rest is rarely expressed or explained: we use non-verbal communication to develop cooperation and empathy. This is (partially) achieved through mimicry: if everything goes smoothly in a conversation, we mirror each other when we talk and listen, and maintaining eye contact is one of the important ways we mirror others.
If mirroring is the best way to gain respect and friendship, then it seems logical that the amount of eye contact we make should be based on how much eye contact the other person prefers. But it’s probably more complicated because (if I’m reading these studies correctly) when people talk, the amount of eye contact they make gets synchronized without anyone actually knowing about it or doing anything on purpose. Presumably, the long eye contact begins to reduce eye contact, and the person avoiding eye contact lengthens their gaze as they get to know each other. It’s also an extremely subtle interaction – we seem to be reacting to how often people blink and synchronize our own blinking.
I doubt it would be possible to consciously synchronize your blinking and eye contact with someone else, and I believe that attempting to do so will result in an unnatural, unsynchronized gaze that will not promote empathy, respect, or friendship. Instead, it will probably give the impression that you are behaving strangely.
There are studies that support this. Contrary to the widespread belief in the sales community that maintaining eye contact will help you persuade others, this study shows that strong eye contact is less convincing to listeners, perhaps because it is unnatural. Not only that, listeners who maintain eye contact are less persuasive than those who don’t. It’s eye contact as a kind of defense system that seems to be the opposite of what people do in a friendly conversation. (Take all of this with a grain of salt; that’s one study. This study basically says otherwise.)
But what if you can’t make eye contact?
Most online advice for people who have poor eye contact includes the advice that you should practice talking to people and try to make eye contact, and eventually it may start to feel more natural to you. This may help some, but many people are poor at non-verbal communication, including people with autism.
Avoidance of eye contact is a hallmark of autism, which begins early in life and often never goes away. While many people on the autism spectrum can learn to “better” make eye contact (and read facial expressions, understand body language, and other forms of non-verbal communication), many cannot. And I’m not sure why we’re asking them to.
If a person on the autism spectrum wants to be more “typical” that’s cool, but expecting someone with autism to engage in neurotypical behaviors (or even expect them to want to) is a value judgment and a form of ableism. Instead, neurotypical people should make allowances. Neurotypical people show understanding, patience and empathy for different people not only easily, but also good for neurotypicals. I have friends on the autism spectrum and my life is richer if I smoke weed with them. We don’t make eye contact very often when we hang out, but it’s much easier for me than for my buddies to figure out the percentage of time they have to look me in the eye or try to blink. when i do.