How Moving Back Can Help Your Relationship Move Forward
Increased work responsibilities, reduced emotional capacity, unforeseen family circumstances—there’s no shortage of reasons why someone might need to step back from a relationship, at least for a while. The concept of “downgrading” or “de-escalating” a relationship can sound like code for a “break.” In fact, not all relationships develop linearly. Sometimes taking a step back is exactly what you need to do to save a relationship. Here’s what you need to know about getting back in a relationship and why it might be the right move for you.
What does “de-escalation” mean?
The term “de-escalation” is commonly used in polyamorous relationships, but the idea applies to relationships of all kinds. Basically, it means taking a step towards becoming less confused with your partner by “downgrading” your relationship in one or more areas, but not all.
This is not just a step towards ending a sexual or romantic relationship. De-escalation can be applied to a number of scenarios:
- The transition from cohabitation to separate.
- Start with pooled finances and then decide to manage your money separately.
- Creating a healthy distance in a friendship that has become codependent.
As described by author Amy Gahran in Stepping off the Relationship Escalator , it is widely believed that a romantic relationship must continue to evolve in order to be valid. You start dating, move in, get married, start a family – linear growth . Not only can relationships fall back without falling apart, they can even be healthy.
Is de-escalation just a slow breakup?
In many cases, probably. There is nothing wrong with that – depending on the nature of the relationship, a slow breakup may be justified. For example, most divorces happen in slow motion, given all the tangled relationships of a married couple. You can’t slow down on an 18-wheeler, and you can’t just end a long-term, tangled relationship in one fell swoop.
However, not all de-escalations lead to a complete breakup. You can successfully change the definition and boundaries of your relationship. This will depend on how well all participants communicate their needs and intentions and work to transform the relationship into a new form.
How to change the definition of your relationship
Here are some tips to help you anticipate what a healthy de-escalation process might look like.
Decide how you want the new relationship to be. This is what separates “taking a step back” from “ending” a relationship. Do you go from lovers to friends? Friends of business partners? It’s important to set clear boundaries about your intentions, paying particular attention to expressing the reasons why your current relationship needs to change.
Get tough when it comes to how often you speak. A complete break may be wise and justified, at least for a few weeks. Emergencies happen, but try to adhere to the terms of communication that you set out initially. Otherwise, it will be too easy to reach out in a moment of weakness and blur the lines of de-escalation.
Schedule a meeting to debrief and decide how best to move forward. After a few weeks, discuss in general terms your vision of what your new relationship should look like. How does the break feel? Do you think you are ready to speak once a week? Once a month? Only in emergencies? If it is a face-to-face meeting, be on time and be ready to listen and provide input.
Expect a lot of emotion. You can go through anger, frustration, nostalgia and even regret. Remember why you made the decision to leave this relationship in the first place. Allow yourself to feel what you feel.
Think about what your life looks like without your partner. Anticipate when you’ll miss them the most, but also take advantage of what’s freed up. You spent Friday nights together; What else is there to do on a Friday night? Is there a hobby you could take up again now that you have some extra free time? Who do you need to talk to about your problems?
Rely on your support network. Friends can help you deal with your feelings and hold you accountable, especially if you know you can give in in a moment of weakness and go back on your word. Change is hard, and it helps when people on your side help you get through it.
Be open and honest
The de-escalation process can take time and involve several complex conversations. You need to constantly and clearly articulate why you want the relationship to change from its current state, and how you think it should look like in the future. Focus on setting boundaries and leave little room for ambiguity.
Regardless of your intentions, it can even help to present the de-escalation as if you were breaking up, if only for yourself. Your connection to another person is changing and you deserve to mourn this loss.