How to Know You’ve Outgrown Your Relationship
If you’re in a long-term relationship, you know it can be filled with ups and downs and many growth challenges. Many of these ups and downs come as each partner grows and develops over the years. But while we would like to think that we grow with our partner over time, this is not always the case.
“Every relationship has a purpose. Some are meant to be forever, and most are meant to be “for now” or “for a little while,” says Laurel House , a dating coach and relationship expert. “When you feel like you’ve outgrown a relationship, it’s expired, and that’s okay. This is a healthy time to let it go.”
Essentially, House says that feeling like you’ve outgrown your relationship can mean you’ve changed, grown, elevated in your lifestyle, health, habits, career, or preferences, while your partner has stayed the same or changed. have not changed at the same speed and pace as you.
In addition, according to her, “you may feel that your partner is standing still, you may look at him as a reflection of your past, you may feel that you have surpassed him, and this makes you uncomfortable.”
House says that if you keep trying to force a relationship to be something it’s not, you risk turning the relationship from a learning opportunity to potentially toxic and even destructive.
“This doesn’t mean that the moment you feel like you’ve outgrown your partner, you should end the relationship. This is the time to talk and determine if this is a transitional opportunity to inspire change and growth for your partner as well. Give your partner a chance to grow if they want to.”
It can be difficult to accept the outgrowth of a relationship, but knowing and understanding some of its signs can be a good indicator of where you are and how you want to move on. Here are some of them to consider.
Your partner reminds you of who you used to be, and it turns you on
According to House, the main sign that you’ve outgrown your relationship is that your partner reminds you of who you used to be because they’re still doing the same old activities, habits, and free space that you had. when you first met. .
“You’ve worked hard to stop doing something, to grow out of the behavior and move away from it, but your partner is comfortable in this old place and it makes you feel frustrated, angry, resentful or sad,” she says. “You may also feel like they are trying to hold you back and that makes you angry. Or maybe there’s a part of you that misses the old way of life and your partner is tempting you to go back and keeps you from moving forward.”
Typically, this can happen if you’ve known your partner for a long time or before a major transition in your life. “You may have had a reality check or life experience that made you change your lifestyle and act differently, but your partner didn’t have the same enlightenment making a difference.”
You feel like you’re constantly telling your partner to try harder, do more, and get better.
Do you feel like a parent or mentor to your partner? Do you start to feel like a niggle when you constantly have to ask your partner to make changes, or do you feel like you put more energy and attention into your partner’s development than your partner? Then you’ve probably outgrown the relationship.
“Your partner may be more of a go-with, which you used to find attractive and admire from the start,” House explains. “But now that real life has arrived, you need your partner to rise up in life and become better and more evolved. You begin to resent your partner because you begin to feel like the only one who insists on change, when in fact you are striving for the best. This can happen if you have a stronger purposeful nature.”
You are embarrassed by your partner when you are around new friends or colleagues
Another sign, according to House, is that your partner is better suited to your old friends in your old life, but your new friends and associations are different, and your partner no longer feels like he belongs in this new group. For example, maybe you notice a disproportionate difference between them in terms of communication, interests, or even the way they dress.
“Because you’re just trying to fit in and start this group, novelty can seem fragile, so you don’t want to introduce anyone who can make them question who you really are,” explains House. “Because your partner is a reflection of who you are, but still sticks to your old style, your new group may wonder if the representation of your personality is just an appearance or a façade.” As a result, you may feel like you and your partner are on two different trajectories.
You find yourself looking for someone who is more like who you have become.
“As you grow and develop, your new interests, conversations, beliefs, and styles may push you to find someone who shares the same interests, conversations, beliefs, and styles,” House says. “Someone who has the same preferences can not only share with you, but help you further explore, expand and deepen this new side of you. You are attracted to the excitement and adrenaline that comes from these conversations, and less interested in the same old, albeit comfortable, conversations that you now have with your partner. This can create internal conflict leading to sadness, regret, frustration, and irritation. You may not like that you are mentally and emotionally going astray, but at the same time, you know that you need more.”
If you want to negotiate with your partner, House recommends the 3C: Communication creates Clarity creates Confidence. “Communicate how you feel, what you need and what your goals are. Talk about different activities and how you can help each other activate them. Talk about a realistic time frame and decide to reconnect to that moment. If after this time they have not put in the time or effort to make changes, they may not really want to and are only doing it because you are forcing them to. If they resist this change, or if they actually change it, resentment can ensue, and that is never healthy in a relationship. You both need to come to the conclusion that this relationship isn’t working and you have different life goals that don’t match.”