Don’t Be a Defensive Listener and Other Ways to “Better” Fight Your Partner
It’s natural to become defensive when we feel misunderstood, especially in romantic relationships. Open communication is the key to any relationship, but a defensive response that is likely perceived as hostile towards your partner will quickly dash any hope of overcoming mistakes and misunderstandings. Fortunately, the same simple communication tips that can help you at work also apply to your romantic relationships. Here are some tips on how to overcome misunderstandings and build healthier, happier relationships.
Remember that you and your partner are a team
Dr. Lisa Firestone argues in Psychology Today for “social communication,” a technique commonly used in the workplace that she believes is also beneficial in romantic relationships. All participants in collaborative communication boil down to the fact that although different parties may express their own point of view, all participants work towards a common goal.
When communicating together, writes Firestone , “we often have to fight our own impulses to come from a more reactive, defensive, or combative place in ourselves.” The idea is that you are all on the same team. This belief may be far-fetched when you’re interacting with colleagues, but it should be a real guiding force for your romantic partner. You are a team, so here’s how to communicate as one.
Develop team thinking
Instead of approaching a fight with your partner as “every man for himself”, try to establish the fact that you are both working towards a common goal (even if that goal is ultimately “let’s not break up”). You can stand up for your feelings without getting into conflict. This doesn’t mean that you both have to agree on every point – that’s unrealistic. Instead, it is about trying to understand their point of view as deeply as possible. This way, you won’t feel attacked and can open up avenues for communication in a way that encourages closeness rather than pushing each other away.
Listen without being defensive
One of our best hacks to improve your listening skills: pretend you are a hostage negotiator . Obviously, talking to your partner doesn’t feel like talking to a terrorist (and if so, consider ending the relationship as soon as possible).
In order not to sound defensive, you must show your partner that you really hear him. Remind yourself to slow down and process their words. Use body language, such as nodding, to show that you are actively listening and explain how you interpret their words. Also ask questions – anything that seems natural and really helps you understand your partner’s point of view.
Invite another person to
Express yourself in such a way that the other person understands where you are from. The easiest way to do this is a cliché, but a necessary one: using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying something like ” You always do ___, you never listen “, you could phrase it like this: ” I don’t feel like I’m being listened to and it hurts me and silences me .” For collaborative communication to work, both parties must trust that you care about the other party’s point of view.
Takeaway
When you’re in a fight with someone you care about, it’s easy to let a little misunderstanding get out of hand. Of course, the people we love the most are capable of making us the most belligerent; at the same time, if it’s really the person you love, then it won’t be hard for you to empathize with him on a deep level. Put yourself in their shoes and actively try to understand their point of view before defending your own.
In most ordinary fights, you can stand up for your own thoughts and feelings without undermining your partner’s feelings. The key is to zoom out and remember that ultimately you and your partner are on the same side.