What to Do If You Think Your Teen Is in an Unhealthy Relationship
Most teen dates are filled with drama and turmoil, but a recent study suggests that your teen may be more at risk of getting stuck in an unhealthy relationship than you thought. In 2019, the Centers for Disease Control conducted a survey that found that 1 in 12 teens have been physically and/or sexually abused in a romantic relationship. And the data is several years old – studies around the world show that intimate partner violence has been on the rise since the start of the pandemic. Even if your child is not physically abused, they may be emotionally abused, which can be harder to detect. Here are some warning signs to look out for and information on how to help if you suspect your teen is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
Red flags to look out for in teen relationships
To the extent that you are able to watch the relationship in action, you will be able to see the red flags for yourself. “While there are no behaviors that indicate abuse, there are a number of red flags for unhealthy relationships,” says Dr. Fatima Watt, Ph.D., a psychologist at Franciscan Children’s Hospital .
These may include relationships in which one or both partners exhibit or engage in:
- Obsession beyond the usual teenage intensity
- Manipulation, betrayal or sabotage
- Excessive jealousy, possessiveness, or controlling behavior
- Unexplained bruising or injury
- Isolation, spending time only with each other
- Humiliation, name calling, criticism
- Evasion of responsibility
- Excessive gift-giving or “big gestures”
- Invasion of privacy in real life or on the Internet, such as tracking activities through social networks, mobile phones, or stalking.
Of course, most likely, you will not be able to observe any of these actions directly, or you will only experience negative emotions. You are more likely to notice changes in your child’s mood or behavior, such as:
- Symptoms of depression or anxiety, including suicidal thoughts
- Risky behavior, such as new or increased use of drugs, tobacco, or alcohol.
- Antisocial behavior such as lying, hitting, bullying, or stealing
In addition to the fact that you don’t want your child to suffer now, helping him identify and resolve these conflicts will help him learn these important skills early on. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that people who are victims of domestic violence at a young age are more likely to become victims again when they get older.
Talk to your teen if you suspect something is wrong
The tricky thing with teens is that sometimes just talking to them about what’s bothering you is a good way to push them away, which means you may not get a chance to fix the problem again. Watt says one way to prevent this is to discuss consent often and early and what a good relationship looks like. “It’s important to start talking about healthy dating before your child gets involved in a relationship. Discussions about boundaries and respect can start at an early age,” she says.
If you already have problems and want to discuss them with your teen, she advises you to “approach your teen in a non-confrontational way, sharing your problems rather than lectures, threats, or statistics. Saying “I noticed that…” can help you start a conversation, but doesn’t require an immediate response. Your child may or may not respond the first time, so “keep in mind that these conversations may be needed multiple times over time, not all at once,” she adds. I hope they notice your concern and notice these signs themselves.
Attract help from outside
Discord in an unstable relationship can quickly escalate and have dire consequences. “If you are concerned that your teenager is in danger,” says Watt, “it is important to immediately seek outside help. In the event of physical or sexual abuse of any kind, call 911 and find resources to develop a safety plan.” For non-urgent concerns, talk to your family doctor or pediatrician for advice or referrals to local resources, including counseling or other forms of support.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is one option. He can be contacted at 800-799-7233 24/7 or by texting START at 88788. Translation is available in over 200 languages. (Again, if you or a loved one is in immediate danger, call 911 immediately.)
Another helpful resource is the One Love Foundation , an inclusive non-profit organization dedicated to ending relationship violence. Check out their resources on what an unhealthy relationship looks like and how to get out of it, as well as their examples of what a healthy relationship looks like and how to set appropriate boundaries and establish clear lines of communication.
For more information and resources, also check out the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Quick Facts: Preventing Teen Violence .