How to Start Having Sex With Your Spouse Again After a Long Drought
Whether it’s because you’re exhausting yourself raising young children, you’re uncomfortable in your own skin, or you’re just in a rut, there are many reasons why married couples can find themselves in a dry period, but if you’re in an asexual marriage, it’s does not mean that you will find an instant divorce or chastity for life. It doesn’t mean you’re single either: A 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that out of nearly 18,000 people surveyed, 15.6% of married people hadn’t had sex in the previous year, and 13.5% hadn’t. sex at five .
If you can count yourself among them and would like to see this change, Lifehacker spoke with a psychotherapist and divorce lawyer about the genderless marriages they see in their practice and what can be done to make a difference.
Determine what caused the drought
Dr. Lee Phillips , a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples specialist, says various factors can cause sexual problems for couples, including asexual union. Another new factor is the impact of the pandemic, with many couples stuck together in the same place all the time, leading them to a Groundhog Day scenario where there was never a sense of novelty or excitement because they were never apart. . waiting to return home to each other when work is over. Other issues that contribute to asexual marriages may include a lack of erotic satisfaction, an inability to communicate, or a libido mismatch.
Marilyn Chinitz , matrimonial partner at Blank Rome LLP, is similar to Phillips in that she has seen several clients in asexual relationships, even though they come to her because they want a divorce. She said she tries to refer clients to therapists whenever possible because she believes many marriages can be saved. Ultimately, it’s not the lack of sex that causes divorce, she said, but the marital problems that lead to the lack of sex also lead to divorce.
“If you’re in an asexual relationship, there are usually other things going on in the marriage, and it’s probably not a happy relationship overall,” she said. “It’s cause and effect: ‘I don’t like you. I’m angry at you. I don’t have time for you. We don’t have sex. Then what happens? It becomes a domino effect.”
Start talking about your needs and listen to them
If one partner wants sex more than the other, or wants to try different things to spice up the relationship, both people will need to talk about it. You’ll probably also need to see a professional because, as Phillips pointed out, couples may avoid these conversations for fear of fighting. Here’s how to decide if you’re ready for couples therapy.
Phillips asks clients about their “erotic template” and lets them suggest what they’d like to do, whether it’s dating, role-playing cross-dressing, or more compliments and attention. “These things,” he said, “can kind of awaken a marriage or relationship.”
But you won’t know about these things unless you ask and listen. You may be surprised by what you find out if you have a serious conversation, share your thoughts and are willing to listen to your partner. Phillips noted that he has seen clients who no longer want to have sex or indulge in their spouse’s special interests or fetishes, but who don’t mind their partners looking for pornography that better suits their needs. You can even explore open relationships. ( Here’s how to have that conversation .)
Chinitz noted that there are many ways to make a marriage fruitful, and not just sex. Have an open conversation about what you like about your union, and you may find that even if there is sexual inconsistency, the partnership is worth maintaining, even if the method you end up using is unusual.
Stick to your plan
After these conversations—perhaps with a therapist on hand—you are likely to get some information about what your partner needs and more information about what you need. If lack of time and energy is affecting your sex life, you can schedule date nights. If you are not physically attracted to each other, you can start going to the gym together. If either of you feel unappreciated, you can promise to pay more attention to each other. Whatever it is, stick with it – if you don’t, it will only exacerbate existing problems.
If you have done this and are feeling fed up and seeking a divorce, be aware that you may still have other options for help and support. Chinitz sends clients to sex therapists, psychotherapists, and even trauma therapists if he doesn’t believe they are “ready to go ahead” and end their unions. She and Phillips have both seen couples transform their marriages with professional help and effort. It can be done, but you have to be willing to have awkward conversations and work together to solve major problems.
“You can learn to explore and share your interests with each other, as well as create new ways to communicate,” Phillips said. “Sex is a way to feel connected, and it can actually be a lot of fun.” He said he loves it when clients walk out of his office feeling like they have “something to work with.” The trick is not only to find something to work with, but to really work with it. The good news is that you will have fun doing this.