How Many Fights Are Too Many in a Relationship?
If you fight with your partner every day and it affects your ability to communicate or lead a stable life outside of your relationship, you may be fighting too much. But before you start worrying that your relationship is doomed because of the four fights you had last week, know that constant fighting isn’t necessarily a sign of trouble.
Do all couples fight?
All couples have disagreements; how you work with them matters the most. Many couples struggle to deal with conflict in a healthy and productive way. “Often couples are constantly arguing about the same thing without even realizing it. The context changes, but the themes—or roots—of the argument remain the same. Couples need help identifying and addressing these topics so they can sort out what is really bothering them,” said psychotherapist Dr. Maggie Vaughn .
After all, the fight doesn’t have to be negative. If done right, it can bring couples closer together. The question is not so much how many fights there are, but whether the conflict is constructive or destructive . Constructive conflict is a struggle that achieves resolution. Destructive conflict tends to make relationships worse and may consist of insults, lies, or bullying.
How to fight more productively with a partner
It is a given that at some point in the relationship a quarrel will break out. The good news is that sometimes getting angry at your partner is normal and great if you handle it right. When you feel anger flare up, try to take a step back and focus on those steps.
Work on your communication
It’s easy to blurt things out when you’re in the heat of the moment, but defining and pausing before you speak will allow you to reframe your problems in a more effective way.
“Don’t let fights escalate to the point of damaging the relationship,” said writer and relationship coach Brad Browning . “Focus on the topic and don’t raise your voices and listen to each other’s point of view before answering.”
It also means choosing more empathetic language instead of using derogatory statements or name-calling. It is important to speak carefully during arguments and be deliberate in your wording to make your message clear.
Listen and be open
While it is important to communicate your needs, it is equally important to listen with full attention. Listen to your partner’s concerns and try not to fall into the defensive trap. Instead, ask questions when you’re confused to make sure you’re both on the same wavelength. In the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to listen effectively to others, but it is also necessary for a relationship to flourish. Focusing on listening to your significant other’s point of view will allow you to explore the situation more fully and accommodate your partner’s emotional needs rather than trying to win an argument.
Identifying and Solving Major Problems
Sometimes when we get into the habit of bickering or fighting, we can get stuck in a cycle of superficial arguments instead of identifying the real problem. The best way to determine the root of the conflict is to figure out your needs and find out what you keep coming back to. We all have basic relationship needs, but not everyone has the same needs. When these needs are not met, dissatisfaction can sneak into every dispute unnoticed. For example, complaining about the fact that the garbage is never taken out can have a deeper meaning. Maybe you’re frustrated that your partner isn’t doing their part, because you’re overworked, or because you’ve had a busier day than usual. It is important to pause and understand where your anger is coming from.
Use “I” rather than “you” phrases.
Try using statements such as “I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated when you don’t help around the house” or “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you.” It’s helpful to focus on yourself instead of immediately blaming your partner. This will help bring your partner out of the defensive position and start a dialogue that is more meaningful and decision-based. The I-statement also forces you to take responsibility for your feelings while remaining assertive and compassionate towards yourself and your partner.
Don’t Avoid Argument
It may be tempting to refrain from expressing your feelings for fear that it will cause a fight. However, avoiding confrontation can do more harm than good. Avoiding conflict can exacerbate the problem over time and lead to the accumulation of resentment. If you don’t make the effort to communicate your needs and discuss your concerns with your partner, the problem will only perpetuate itself in many forms. Avoiding the problem, unfortunately, will never solve it.
If you’re still trying to come up with a constructive solution, it might be time to consider couples therapy . “Couples [may] need help identifying and addressing … so that they can sort out what is really bothering them,” Vaughan said. “Therapy helps partners develop skills to better understand and support each other, which makes them feel closer over time.”
It helps you see a new perspective outside of your relationship so you can focus on what’s going wrong. Keep in mind, however, that happy couples are not free from conflict, but rather know how to get through those difficult moments together. In the end, if you are present during the arguments and work on the above steps, you are well on your way to a healthy foundation in your relationship.