Why You Should Turn to an Old Friend, According to Science
Reconnecting with an old friend you’ve lost touch with can seem like a daunting task, but recent research shows it can be worth the effort. According to new research published in the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , the science actually says you should. You may think that you will bother them or that none of you will be of any use other than a quick chat, but the results of 13 experiments involving more than 5900 participants suggest otherwise.
What science can tell us about reuniting with old friends
The researchers who conducted these experiments wanted to test whether people accurately predict how much their social contacts would be happy to hear from them. As it turned out, whether the participants were college-aged or older, and whether that communication included sending a simple note or a small gift like coffee, almost everyone underestimated how much the people they once knew valued communication.
“Our results suggest that this is related to how little people reaching out to people affect the surprise of those contacted,” the two authors wrote in a subsequent post on The Conversation . “When we asked recipients what they paid attention to when they said how grateful they were, they reported that they paid a lot of attention to their positive sense of surprise, which was related to how grateful they were.”
The key here is the element of surprise. There are many things that can get in the way of our relationships, from work commitments to childcare to personal hobbies, and they take up a lot of brain space, not to mention our time. If you and a buddy have drifted apart, chances are it’s time suck that’s tormenting one of you, or more likely both of you. The other person probably won’t sit around all day cooking because your friendship has waned, as he’s probably preoccupied with his own affairs, so your contact will be a pleasant surprise.
The best way to connect with an old friend
The researchers conducted experiments in which people of different ages sent notes or small gifts to people they hadn’t spoken to in a while. Think about the relationship you had and still have with the person you are referring to. If you’ve worked together before and often had morning coffee together in the break room every day, you can send them a coffee or a Starbucks gift card to add nostalgia to the gesture. If you think a gift is inappropriate, a text message, email, or phone call might work too.
You don’t have to go into too much detail or jump into unpacking your story. Start small, with a simple hello and ask how you are. Include a unique reference to your shared background or explain what motivates you to work with the public. The research clearly shows that no matter how you phrase things, the simple act of showing that you think about another person is enough to make them feel appreciated.
If you haven’t made a mistake in your relationship, your old buddy is sure to be happy to hear from you (again, according to science!), and you too will feel good about the relationship, even if you return to your separate life. lives after the catch. And if the fear of rejection is what’s keeping you from sending that email, the research should give you some comfort too: It shows that there’s a great chance your friend will be happy to know that others think positively of him. Is not it?