How to Live Together Without Parting, According to a Relationship Expert

Moving in together is a major relationship milestone that has obvious benefits, such as being close to your partner and rent sharing, but it also comes with common relationship challenges. We spoke with therapist Minaa B. , an Eharmony relationship expert, to understand why these issues occur and what you can do to address them.

Choice of division of labor with a partner

If you think it’s easier to share responsibilities now that you’re living together, the reality is that it often gets harder. According to B., when couples move together, some of the common problems they face may be mismatched ideas about household chores and the division of labor. “Usually in heterosexual relationships, traditional gender norms can be observed either for one partner or for both partners, and this creates an unequal dynamic from the very beginning,” she says. “A male partner can expect his female partner to take care of all the cleaning, cooking, and everything related to looking after the house in general.”

To find a solution to this problem, B. recommends that couples discuss in advance who will take the lead in each household chore before moving in together. “For example, if only one partner knows how to cook, the discussion could take place at night when that partner is too exhausted or tired to cook at home, the other partner will take the lead on the order.”

Another solution could be to help your partner prepare the ingredients so that all they need to do is prepare the meal without any extra effort.

As for cleaning, B. suggests discussing the work schedule. “How often do you imagine that you need to clean the house or how much time do you have for this? Both of you could consider outsourcing by hiring a cleaner weekly or monthly.”

How to manage your finances with a partner

Money is a common source of conflict in many ways, so it’s no surprise that it rears its head as soon as you decide to move in together. Some issues might be disagreements over who is responsible for what, a decision on a joint bank account, or having sufficient finances to cover the costs in general. And in some heterosexual relationships, a woman may expect her male partner to take on more financial responsibilities.

B. says that it is useful to have a clear idea of ​​how much each other earns and how much each of them can afford to contribute to various expenses. “You may decide that, based on your total income, it is best to divide everything equally, or you may find that if one partner earns significantly more than the other, he may take on heavier bills, such as rent or mortgage, while while the other partner covers the costs. utilities”. You can also set a ratio where one partner contributes, say, 65% of the payment of each main bill, and the other partner pays 35%.

Having a joint bank account may not be necessary for living together, “but it may be easier for you to have an account dedicated specifically to household funds that both parties contribute to, and there are clear rules as to what the money is used for—which is commonly used for things that benefit the home.”

Don’t take sex and intimacy for granted

You might think that living together automatically means more sex, but that doesn’t have to be the case. “There may be a request for too much sex, or there may be conflict over too little sex,” says B. “When intimacy issues arise, it’s important to communicate your needs to your partner. Maybe sex is not enough because one of the partners is always working hard and comes home tired and ready for bed. If that’s a problem, remember that pleasure and intimacy don’t always mean sex.”

Instead, B. recommends thinking about how you can participate in acts of foreplay, or thinking about ways to make sex exciting in a way that benefits both of you. “Do you have time to book a hotel near your partner’s work so he can pick you up after work? When your partner comes home, how can you create a pleasant environment that is conducive to sex and intimacy? Most importantly, even though you live together, do you still date each other? Dating creates space for more physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy. Don’t neglect dating just because you live together.”

Make a plan for spending time alone

Even if you spent a lot of time with your partner before you moved in together, if you’re used to living alone, your new “roommate” may interfere with your loved one’s time alone.

“It can be hard to go from living alone to always having someone in your space. If you are the type of person who needs a break from people or who is overwhelmed by being crowded and cramped, couples should pay attention to the type of house they live in,” B explains. “It is possible that a one-room apartment may not be enough , especially if there are not enough square meters. When thinking about moving in together, consider whether a two-bedroom apartment would better satisfy your need for separation and quality time than a one-bedroom apartment.”

If that’s not feasible for you, B suggests finding ways to make your space fit your needs, whether it’s taking breaks outside the home, hitting a coffee shop, going for a walk, or hanging out with a friend to get some space. Talk about your expectations and make a plan for how you want to spend your time alone.

Define what “quality time” means

At the same time, living together with your partner does not mean that you always spend time with each other in a useful way. You can scroll through your phones while having dinner together or relaxing on the couch watching Netflix, which can sometimes be a good thing to do, but it’s not what brings couples together – that’s usually the point of living together.

“It’s also important to be mindful of quality time, just because you’re living together doesn’t mean you’re spending quality time together,” B says. in two different rooms, or setting boundaries, such as no phones at the table during dinner. It might look like you decide to turn off Netflix and go to bed at the same time to intentionally have sex or even talk about bed.”

First of all, communicate with your partner so that your life situation is comfortable for both of you.