How Early Is Too Early for Couples Therapy?
You’ve been dating a pretty wonderful person for a few months, but there’s just one problem: when you don’t snuggle up and get along, you push each other’s buttons, which leads to big outbursts. This person has many great qualities and you can see a future with him, so you don’t want to leave – but the relationship will be untenable in the long run if these conflicts continue. So when is it too early to offer couples therapy?
“I’m a firm believer that it’s never too early for couples therapy,” Dr. Karla Marie Manley , clinical psychologist and author of Smart Dating: Transform Your Relationships and Love Without Fear , tells Lifehacker. “Even couples who get along well can benefit from devoting time to a therapist who can help partners develop more fully as individuals and as a team. Also, for couples who are starting to notice problems, it’s important to seek help right away. Avoiding problems or pretending they will disappear is never a wise strategy; there are only ten problems to fester and worsen over time.”
While you might think that going to couples therapy is a sign that you’re not meant to be together, especially if you’ve recently started dating, it can also be an opportunity to improve your communication skills and further strengthen your bond. Here are other reasons why it’s never too early to start going to family therapy.
You can learn how to create healthy models
Couples therapy is not just an opportunity to learn more about your partner, it is also an opportunity to learn more about yourself and grow as a person. The knowledge you gain from therapy will benefit you whether you stay with your current partner or not.
“While many people feel that going to couples therapy during the dating phase is a waste of time, the therapy process can help partners develop healthy habits that will last even if the relationship doesn’t develop,” says Manley. “And if the relationship does develop into a long-term commitment, the partners will build a solid foundation of trust, healthy communication, and intimacy.”
You will improve your communication skills
If you can’t calmly and respectfully communicate your needs and desires without annoying your partner, you’re not alone, says Hanna Guy , a licensed clinical social worker. “Most people don’t get into a relationship where both parties communicate perfectly with each other. Each person comes with their own experience and trauma, which affects how they interact with the other person.”
For example, if you’ve been cheated on in the past, it’s normal for you to get annoyed when your new partner doesn’t respond right away. In this case, Guy says, couples therapy can be helpful sooner rather than later, as “you’re laying the groundwork ahead of time” to improve communication.
You will learn about your common (and mismatched) goals
Going to couples therapy during the dating phase can be incredibly rewarding, Manley says, as it allows partners to see where they fit and where they don’t. “For example, if the core values of one of the partners are work, external success and money, this can be an obvious wake-up call for a partner who values love and connection the most,” she says.
Parenthood and other future goals are sure to show up in therapy, which will give you useful information to help you make the best decision for yourself and your relationship.
“Let’s just say that you and your partner both want to have children, but in couples therapy you talk more about how you want to raise your children,” Guy says. “Through this, you can learn that how you want to raise your children is completely different from how your partner is, which can be crucial.”
You will confront each other’s weaknesses
Also many times, says Manley, partners have problems they don’t see or don’t want to see.
“Finance is one of the biggest concerns for couples. Money problems are one of the top three reasons for fights, and this problem often leads to divorce,” she says. “Unfortunately, instead of seeking therapy to reach agreement in this area, one or both partners often turn out to be financially dishonest in order to avoid conflict. Avoiding the problem only leads to unhealthy stereotyping and resentment in the long run.”
Sex is also another major contributing factor to relationship anxiety and conflict, she says, and rather than ignoring the issue, getting upset, or moving towards infidelity, seeing a therapist can help partners uncover underlying issues. “A qualified family therapist can help partners find balance and fairness, which are the keys to harmony in a relationship.”
You will understand each other on a deeper level
If this is not your first relationship, chances are you have scars from past conflicts and grief. BUT attending couples therapy during the dating phase “can help heal often unresolved trauma or anxiety from past relationships,” says Manley. “If latent issues are not addressed, they will eventually haunt the relationship in the long run.”
“You can date someone who has [survived] domestic violence; Going to couples therapy early can help you learn how to support them and how they can better communicate their needs/wants to you,” agrees Guy. “People are also seeking couples counseling to improve communication and solve a problem they find difficult to solve.”
If anything, Guy adds, family therapy “will shed light on everyone’s vulnerabilities. By allowing someone to see you in your most vulnerable position, you create a deeper level of connection that can really benefit your relationship.”