Why You Shouldn’t Call Your Partner “Needy”
If you’ve ever thought of a partner as “needy”, you might be right – according to attachment theory , anxious attachment can develop in adults who received intermittent care and did not get their needs met during childhood. Anxiously attached adults often seek approval, support, and comfort from their partners. However, labeling a partner as “needy” without looking inward to define your own attachment style can be both unproductive and destructive to the relationship.
As sex therapist Vanessa Marin told Bustle , “People who exhibit obsessive behavior are actually [acting] out of insecurity. They probably had experience in the past where people took advantage of them or betrayed their trust.”
Conversely, a completely emotionally detached parenting can lead to a person developing an avoidant attachment style. Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to be dismissive and closed off when it comes to intimacy. This distinction is important because it can lead to push-and-pull relationships, which can be unhealthy for both partners. This means that one person will lean in and actively pursue their needs while the other is constantly withdrawing. Relationships with couples who have these two different attachment styles have been associated with increased stress, depression, and decreased marital satisfaction .
Sarah Trans , a New York-based relationship specialist and sex therapist, said: “Once you understand your own attachment style, consider discussing how that style affects what intimacy and attachment mean to you and what fears or insecurity arises in you.
Identifying your own attachment style with a mental health professional can help you understand how we enter into relationships. It’s easy to gently label someone without thinking that they might be a big reflection of you. However, by labeling someone as “needy,” you relieve yourself of all responsibility.
How to change attachment style
Relationships require work and effort on both sides. Nobody gets stuck in their attachment style, and the best way to change is to see a therapist. While our first experiences with caregivers may affect our adult lives, it is entirely possible—with time and effort—to improve our relationships with others. In fact, there are many therapists who specialize in improving attachment styles. Attachment-based therapy is a technique that helps develop more secure attachment, so be sure to find a therapist who uses this style of treatment.
“Looking at attachments in therapy,” says London-based psychotherapist Rachel Buchan , “you come to understand that as you explore your childhood and past experiences, you begin to understand the coping strategies you formed early in your life and how they are now. affect your attitudes, reactions, and how you feel about yourself in the present.”
After all, everyone has different emotional needs in a relationship. Trans added: “Try not to judge your partner(s) attachment style if it differs from yours… We usually learn to make implicit connections long before we enter into a relationship with each other. Instead, strive to understand the different styles so that you can confidently and clearly navigate the differences.”
Someone “in need” is subjective. Everyone should stand up for what they want and need in a relationship. Calling a loved one in need of help can send a message that you’re not interested in working together and end up shutting the other person down. A stable relationship that takes into account the needs of both parties can exist if each partner is willing to work together and look inward.