Your Nervous System Is to Blame for How You Argue With Your Partner
If you’re wondering why you and your partner can’t break the negative cycle in your relationship that often leads to conflict, chances are you’re triggering each other’s sympathetic nervous system. What at first appears to you as a fight over who was doing the dishes is actually a situation where our brain is signaling potential danger to us and your loving partner is now your “enemy”.
Sarah Melancon , a sociologist and clinical sexologist, says our reaction stems from our genetic make-up, which dates back to prehistoric times, when our nervous system evolved in a world where lions, tigers, bears, and warring tribes were a common threat.
“One of the main functions of the autonomic nervous system is to keep us safe,” Melancon explains. “Through a subconscious process called neuroception, our nervous system is constantly scanning the environment for signs of safety or danger. In addition, through a process called co-regulation, our nervous system picks up on the state of the nervous system of those around us. Without conscious awareness, our nervous system will tune in to the systems of others.”
For example, a well-known friendly face signals our social activity system and helps us relax; on the other hand, the hostile face of a stranger signals potential danger and activates our sympathetic fight or flight system to help us escape or fight if necessary.
Melanson says that in a relationship, we are constantly adjusting the relationship with our partner.
“Typically, our nervous system wants to be in the same state at the same time, which helps us feel close and connected. This can work both for us and against us. This means that when our partner is happy, we are more likely to feel happy. But when they’re upset, it’s easier for us to get upset too. Unfortunately, this can be very difficult when conflict arises and can lead to unnecessary drama.”
For example, one partner has a boundary that was inadvertently crossed. As a result, “they correctly felt anger, often activating the ‘fight’ mode of the sympathetic nervous system,” says Melancon. “Let’s say another partner comes home from work and finds that their loved one is angry, his system can easily perceive this as a threat (even if his partner’s anger is justified). After a few seconds, both partners can become defensive and grab each other at the throat – simply because of how our nervous system is wired to perceive safety and danger.
How Our Nervous System Affects Our Relationships
Our nervous system is inextricably linked to who we are, so it has an indelible effect on our relationships. Unfortunately, according to Dr. David Helfand , a licensed psychologist specializing in family therapy, neurofeedback and brain mapping, our nervous systems are not equipped to handle the stress we face in today’s world.
“Our nervous system is designed to deal with life or death situations while contributing to the healthy functioning of our body. It wasn’t designed for the emotional stress of a relationship, jealousy, work deadlines, or complex family dynamics,” says Helfand. “Therefore, our nervous system reacts to any stress in a relationship as if it were life or death. This reaction is further heightened in people with anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder. Learning how to activate the relaxation response is one of the best ways to deal with a primitive system that needs a major overhaul.”
Know if you’re fighting, running, freezing, fawning, courting or befriending
When it comes to a stressful situation in our relationships, how we will respond to this stress is dictated by our sympathetic nervous system.
“Our sympathetic nervous system response to stress includes fight, flight, freeze, affection, care, and friendship,” says Helfand. “Fighting means you accept the threat and fight back. The flight was running away, hoping to a safe place. Freeze is when you are stunned and just can’t move or react. Deer is when you give in to your attacker and let him take over. Addiction means that in the face of a threat, you care for your loved ones, mainly children. And befriending means using the resources of the community and friends to help fight the threat.”
An example of a “flight” response would be if your partner raises his voice during a disagreement, you may suppress your emotions and walk away to avoid the conversation. If you answer “fight”, you will yell back and escalate the conflict. If your answer is “doe”, you will obey your partner and say and do your best to help him calm down. “Looking after” may mean that you check on your children first to see how the argument has affected them before responding to your partner. If you have a “make friends” response, you can call your partner’s mother to help ease the situation.
According to Helfand, a person’s response style is usually based on a combination of their genetics, the modeled behavior of their parents and family, and their life experiences. “Had they learned early on that toadying was the right response when their parents screamed, they might decide later that it was time to fight back. It takes considerable effort to break your basic wiring from childhood, and this is where therapy or other forms of self-knowledge and practice are extremely helpful.”
How to use this knowledge to improve your relationship
“Your brain will amplify the state you put it in. So if you tend to react to a fight, over time it will become more ingrained in you,” says Helfand. “So, if you want to change how you react, you have to gradually reprogram your brain. The first step is awareness. You must understand what style you have. The next step is motivation. Understand how your response style hurts the relationship, and then you should genuinely want to change it. Making incremental changes in behavior is the next step.”
Helfand suggests starting with a break if you notice your old reaction is about to kick in. “Then determine how you want to respond and make one small change that will put you on that path. Most people want drastic and quick changes, but science shows us that small changes over time are more sustainable.”
Sometimes the problem isn’t so much how you respond to conflict, but how you bounce back from it, Helfand says. “Regardless of your default style, it’s important to take the time to reconnect and process the experience so you can repair the emotional damage caused by the fight.”
And to better understand each other’s nervous system response style, Helfand encourages couples to talk about their body experiences.
“Once you name an emotion or an experience, you kind of intellectualize it,” he says. “If you say: “During our last argument, I felt my shoulders tense up, my jaw became like a rock, and I noticed that my knees buckled.” It’s such an emotional portrayal of your fawn reaction and it can help create intimacy as you allow the other person to really see and experience your nervous system’s reaction to the conversation.”
Co-regulating your nervous system with your partner can help both of you deactivate your stress response and get closer.
“Every brain has a system of mirror neurons. These neurons try to mimic the emotional and physical state of the people we interact with. This is known as empathy. We feel the same as they do. It is also a powerful tool to help couples co-manage relationships with each other,” says Helfand. “For example, there is an excellent study of couples who breathe together. When we synchronize our breath with a loved one, it creates a sense of connection, empathy, and other inexpressible qualities that usually evoke a deeper love between two people. Synchronizing your nervous system with your partner and regulating your own are two of the most effective ways to move towards a life together.”