How to Know If You’re in a Codependent Relationship (and What to Do About It)
Relationships require a delicate balance of respect and combining the needs and desires of two people into one. Generally, in a healthy relationship, you talk about what you need in the relationship, in addition to being supportive and respectful of your partner’s needs – and vice versa. But sometimes this balance can shift too far when you start to neglect your needs in favor of your partner’s needs. This is where codependency comes into play.
“The term codependent means too much emotional attachment, dependency, and dependency on someone to the point where the relationship gets stuck and limited,” says Dr. Nereida Gonzalez-Berrios , a certified psychiatrist. “Codependent relationships lose their breather, as if there is a complete loss of personal space and freedom.”
Codependency is seen in all types of relationships, including family, friends, and co-workers, but when it comes to romantic relationships, codependency can be intense.
“In this type of relationship, the partner, and sometimes both, are overly dependent on each other. One partner is the caregiver, and the dependent partner feels like they can’t support and survive on their own,” says González-Berrios. “In severe cases, the dependent partner may begin to take advantage of the custodial partner, and the relationship becomes abusive, emotionally draining, and full of anxiety and insecurity.”
Sometimes, “the connection seems very touchy and romantic, but it lacks trust and is weighed down with manipulative emotional reactions on both sides.”
So why is this happening? According to Tammy Nelson , sexologist and relationship therapist and author ofOpen Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement , the level of pleasing people in co-dependent relationships is a reflection of low self-esteem and lack of a positive self-image.
“It interferes with communication and leads to overly sensitive relationships,” she says. “Codependents will care for a partner beyond their own needs, which creates a addictive relationship by ignoring their own concern for themselves and their need for honesty and increasing the likelihood of gaslighting.”
If this sounds familiar to you, here are a few other signs of a codependent relationship and what you can do about it.
Where does codependency come from?
“Codependency can feel like pleasing people and be a sign of low self-esteem. It is most commonly seen in those who grew up in dysfunctional families, where pleasing the parent was the way to survive, and giving up their own healthy emotional development was the only choice they had to deal with parental addiction, narcissism, or abuse.” — Nelson . He speaks. “Symptoms of codependency include the need to fix other people, failure to set clear boundaries, constantly sacrificing your needs for partners, and resentment that your desires are never taken into account.”
Signs of codependency
Taking care of a partner is not always unhealthy. But if you selflessly sacrifice what you need and your partner gives little in return, Gonzalez-Berrios says, then you’re most likely in a codependent relationship.
“Relationships feel empty and draining. The caretaker feels overwhelmed and never receives love or approval for what he does for his “taking” partner,” says Gonzalez-Berrios. “The custodian partner tries to satisfy and please his “taking” partner at any cost. In a codependent relationship, the caretaker partner experiences constant anxiety to please their partner and feels guilty when thinking about their own needs.”
Another clear sign of a codependent relationship is that you are looking for self-respect from your partner.
“Both partners have a negative self-image and can’t validate their emotions without each other’s approval,” Gonzalez-Berrios says. “The codependent partner is dependent on the caregiver for self-esteem and well-being. The taker partner needs and is emotionally dependent on the other partner. As a result, the “taking” partner “never overflows emotionally. They seek attention to the point of abusing the other partner.”
Other signs include:
- The taking partner compares their love life to others and always feels that something vital is missing from the relationship.
- Neither partner tries to break the cycle of abuse because they are insecure, afraid to act as individuals.
- In codependency, the receiving partner feels jealous if they see their partner spending time with someone else.
- On the other hand, the taking partner is happy to be needed and tries to please the other person completely.
- Both partners tend to have poor attachment style in early childhood. Because of this, they feel less worthy and have low self-esteem.
- The relationship is full of annoyance and repressed anger on both sides, but it feels great.
What to do if you are in a codependent relationship
Although admitting that you are in a codependent relationship is not easy, the sooner you recognize the signs, the sooner you can get the help you need and start changing your habits.
“To get rid of codependency in a relationship, it’s important to develop a healthy selfishness,” says Nelson. “Being able to take care of yourself first means having the ability to take care of yourself in order to be present for yourself, your partner, and your family.”
According to Nelson, eat right, rest, exercise, spend time with friends, focus on work and hobbies, find time for yoga and meditation, listen to your own music and walk in nature. . “That kind of self-love allows you to love others more fully and realistically,” she says.
In addition, Nelson recommends being honest with your partner about how you feel. “Remember, codependency comes from childhood adversity, so you may have taken too much responsibility for other people’s feelings and neglected your own,” she says. “Now, as an adult, you can talk.”
Despite your best intentions, Gonzalez-Berrios understands that breaking the mold can be difficult. “Codependency is an emotional spiral because both partners meet each other’s needs in a specific way. It’s hard to break the negativity that lies deep within a relationship.”
“The codependent partner needs to understand that it’s okay to have different opinions, likes, and preferences than their partner,” she says. “Both partners should focus on self-care and self-love. They need to understand that love is unconditional and does not require need. You can only love others in a healthy way if they themselves are protected and love from within.”
This means that therapy can be an option for both parties to learn appropriate coping skills, and couples therapy can help develop and establish healthy boundaries.