How to Pay Your Bills so That Nothing Becomes Embarrassing
When the bill comes in at the end of a dinner with friends or family, things can get awkward fast. Maybe you’re an adult who isn’t sure if it’s appropriate to continue letting your parents pay the bills. Maybe you’re on a first date and don’t want to give the impression that you’re a whore, or put up with the expectation that you “owe” something to the person who just bought you food. Among friends, this can be stressful too: splitting the bill, keeping track of who ordered what, and remembering that some of your buddies may be making less (or much more) than you.
Taking the bill right away and offering to pay it may seem like a great option if you’re in a financial position to do so, but it can also seem showy and make others feel uncomfortable. You also have to be ready to act in a fraction of a second when the score hits the table, which makes it even more fraught. But don’t worry—there are ways to pay the bill or quietly pay your share without making anyone feel weird.
Plan ahead
Jennifer Porter , a Seattle-based etiquette expert, said you can pay for someone’s food in “a number of ways,” but you have to think through your plan ahead of time.
“When you make plans, be very clear,” she says. “It could be about splitting or splitting the bill, as well as an invitation. [If you want to pay], say very clearly, “This is my treat.” I think it takes away some of the awkwardness.”
If you didn’t communicate when scheduling, you can still do so later. Porter suggests announcing your intention as you sit down and start browsing the menu. Look the other person in the eye and say, “I really would like to treat you tonight.”
You have to be proactive, she adds, to avoid confrontation or weirdness at the end of a meal. When booking , let the restaurant know that you are going to pay. Casually hand your card to your waiter or employee before dessert arrives, perhaps by taking a quick trip to the bathroom, or even passing it on your way to the establishment.
Be social
The expectations for business lunches or birthdays are clear, but for more informal get-togethers with friends and family, things can get a little hazy. Porter points out that communication is the key to paying for meals smoothly, so ideally you should be dining and planning payments with people whose reactions you can anticipate.
“You have to be respectful,” she cautions, and use “clear, honest, open communication” that matches the dynamics you’ve established in the relationship. What, as they say…
If someone protests, don’t pressure them.
There may be times when other members of your group openly state that they don’t want you to pay for them. If this happens, take your time. It will only make things even weirder.
“Have the person object once and then say it again,” says Porter. “If they object again, listen to them. If they don’t and accept your generous offer to pay for the food, then kindly thank them, get it over with, and don’t think about it.”
Understand where this protest might come from. Parents may feel embarrassed that their children pay for various reasons. They can be used to protect you, or feel uncomfortable that you are getting old and can provide for them instead. It’s hard to get used to this role reversal. If your father likes to treat you to pasta, let him do it. At a romantic date, your partner may want to show you that they can pay, or they may have some deep-seated ideas about gender roles. Depending on how you want the date and relationship to go, it’s best to let them do it.
If someone strongly objects to you paying, it may mean that there is a bigger problem between you. Porter notes that if there are financial difficulties between friends or family members, “dinner is not the time to resolve them.” Discuss this frankly later, but for now, just split the bill politely.
Act from the heart
I hope you’re not trying to brag or force someone into a position where they feel indebted to you. Do your best to pay the bill only if you feel obligated to do so, because it feels good, or because you want to minimize the awkwardness, or if you just know it’s your turn.
“It’s such a blessing for a parent to know that not only is your child able to do this and has the bank account to do it, but that they have the courtesy and respect to be willing to repay,” Porter said. “Think of all the meals your mom gave you!”