A Guide to Children’s Culture for Adults Out of Touch With Reality: What Is “Elden Ring”?
This week I’m answering big questions like “Which is cooler, Star Wars or Star Trek”, “What the hell is Elden Ring ” and “Can you just move into your cubicle?” But most importantly: “Doors bigger or wheels?”
What is Elden Ring and why should I care?
If you’re too busy with your “work” or “social life” or “family” to know what Elden Ring is, let me explain: Elden Ring is a newly released RPG that everyone plays. Literally everyone.
This deep, complex, but highly rewarding game features a vast open-world setting and a clear lack of hands. Created by FromSoftware, the company that brought us the Dark Souls games , Elden Ring was directed by Hidetaka Miyazaki and written (at least in part) by George R. R. Martin of Game of Thrones fame . Hailed as a masterpiece by gamers and critics, some even call it the greatest video game ever made. (My pod review: The starting area is awesome, but I can’t get past Margate, Fallen Omen to see the rest.)
Any more doors or wheels?
Presumably having settled the question of whether it is better to fight a duck the size of a horse or a hundred horses the size of a duck, a new weightlessness has appeared on the Internet: Are there more wheels or doors on planet Earth? And as soon as I think I have a pen for an answer, it changes.
I’m like, “Well, all the cars are there, so the wheels.” But then I realize that cars actually have more doors than wheels when you factor in the trunk and glove box. So doors. But then what about all bikes? Wheels. What about all the kitchen cabinets? Door. But toys have so many damn wheels. I’m going to lock myself in a small room and watch every TikTok video on the subject for an answer. See you in about 12 years.
How did Squidward die?
As children, we identify with the dull optimism and energy of SpongeBob SquarePants, but as we get older and life destroys any trace of joy in our hearts, we begin to identify with his melancholic friend Squidward. This is happening in a perverted way in real time on TikTok.
A new trend gaining momentum is to google “How Squidward Died” and watch one of the fan-made very depressing videos, and then post a before and after reaction video on #howdidsquidwarddie . A product of the “spooky pasta” world, these videos of Squidward’s suicides are part of the web horror subgenre that turns treasured children’s programming into unexpected horror. I like the Candle Cove classic the most.
Can you just move to your cubicle?
While many digital workers are reluctant to return to their offices after years of working from home, TikTok user Calm Simon has the opposite problem. He moved into his cubicle at work.
“They don’t pay me enough to do both,” he explains in the video , “so in protest, I’ll just live at my job. Let’s see how long I can get away with it.”
My first thought was that it was fake, but a video detailing Simon’s interaction with a visibly surprised cleaning crew in the middle of the night at least seems genuine, as does the email he received from management. It’s how they don’t come right away and say, ” You can’t live in your cubicle,” but instead ask him to take video evidence. That’s how HR
Update : In the few minutes between when I wrote this and when I edited it, Kalm Simon posted a video of his “eviction. It lasted four days (if that’s real).
Viral videos of the week: Which is cooler, Star Wars or Star Trek?
The age-old battle between Star Trek and Star Wars continues this week on YouTube’s bloody battlefield. There’s a teaser in the Star Wars corner for Obi-Wan Kenobi , the upcoming six-episode series that will hit Disney+ on May 25th. hiding from the Empire on Tatooine under the name “Ben Kenobi”. (I would change my last name too, but I’m not a Jedi.)
There’s a teaser in the corner of Star Trek for Star Trek: Strange New Worlds , a new series that promises to return to the original Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation and Star Trek: Bakula single-episode format . New Worlds even has Captain Christopher Pike, who we all know was the captain of the scrapped pilot of the original Star Trek back in 1964 – oh, didn’t you know that? Nerd.
Either way, both trailers were released on March 9, and while Star Trek clearly outperforms the franchise, Kenobi racked up nearly 9 million views, compared to Stranger New World ‘s relatively measly 1.5 million.