How to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language for Better Sex

Deciphering and understanding your partner’s likes, dislikes, and interests in the bedroom can often feel like you’re both talking to each other in a foreign language. For example, you may prefer to cuddle before and after sex to show how much you care about him, while your partner may prefer positive (and even dirty) communication as a form of intimacy. If you’re not on the same wavelength sexually, you’ll both feel confused, invisible, and maybe even frustrated.

Enter: “The Five Love Languages ” by Gary Chapman. A relationship expert coined the ubiquitous term “love language” after he theorized that everyone understands and receives love in a different language—five to be exact: acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, and receiving gifts. .

If speaking your partner’s love language can improve your relationships in everyday life, then it only makes sense that applying this knowledge to your sex life can lead to greater intimacy, better communication and connection, and ultimately better sex.

“Communication and knowledge are key when it comes to intimacy,” says Ana De la Cruz, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It all starts with how much you know about your partner. Knowing what they like and don’t like, what is nice and what they don’t like will get you to the right place to enjoy sex. Knowing your partner’s love language will help you determine what steps you need to take to enjoy your sex life.”

If you don’t know your love language, you can check out this 30-question quiz on Chapman’s website to figure out yours, keeping in mind that you may have more than one. If you know your love language but haven’t yet spoken to your partner about it, De la Cruz recommends that instead of guessing about what your partner likes (which most of us do), try to take the time to have that conversation.

“Sit down with your spouse and ask about what you do to make him feel loved, ask him about their love language, and gently talk about yours,” says De la Cruz. However, she notes that it’s important to remember that men and women are very different when it comes to intimacy.

“A woman reacts sexually when she is cared for emotionally, and a man reacts emotionally when he is cared for sexually. So take all necessary measures in order to enjoy sex. Know your partner intimately and understand the love languages ​​- there are so many more than the five love languages ​​in Gary Chapman’s book, but the five in Chapman’s book are a great place to start.”

Of course, everyone has different sexual preferences, including when it comes to love languages. While this is not a universal situation, it can inspire you to try something later with your partner.

Service Acts

“Bedroom ministry can be about focusing solely on your partner’s pleasure, or doing something you know they really enjoy,” says Isabelle Uren , a certified sex expert. “These actions make a lot more sense when they are offered rather than asked for.”

For example, Uren says, if you know your partner is into something during foreplay, like oral sex, let your partner sit back and enjoy while you work your magic.

“You can also take the time to explore their entire body to find their hidden cuddly spots and find out what really turns them on.”

If both of you are in bondage, you can also ask your partner if you can tie him up and let him enjoy being the center of attention when you serve him. According to Uren, even serving your partner a drink or wrapping them in a blanket after intercourse can make them feel truly loved if they enjoy acts of service.

physical touch

While it may seem like physical touch is a given during sex, Uren says there are ways to explore different types of touching each other. For example, you can give and receive a sensual massage to your partner or explore playing with temperature and sensations. You can also build anticipation throughout the day with sexual touch, including touching your partner in the kitchen, squeezing their butt, or a quick kiss on the neck.

While in the bag, try different sex positions that allow for a lot of petting and touching, such as the lotus or the rocking horse are also a good way to touch. And, of course, don’t forget to enjoy the post-coital bliss of cuddling, holding hands, or gentle strokes.

quality time

“People who value quality time will feel loved when you make time for sex, which includes minimizing distractions and making time for meaningful communication,” Uren says. “On a practical level, this could include scheduling a sex date, leaving phones outside the bedroom, and investing time in improving your sex life.”

Having quality time in the bedroom can also mean you don’t have to rush into foreplay with your partner. Wren gives another great tip: “Keep things slow, showing your partner that they are completely focused on you, and include activities that strengthen the bond, like making eye contact and practicing synchronized breathing.”

Choosing sex positions that allow for lengthy intimate sessions, such as the spoon or leveling intercourse technique, can also be seen as quality time with your partner between sheets. “You might also want to try edging to give them pleasure and let their arousal build,” Uren says.

Staying present with your partner after intercourse is equally important for those who prefer to spend time productively, so try not to fall asleep, take your time, or be distracted by your phone. Instead, take the time to chat and cuddle.

Words of Confirmation

“A partner whose primary love language is words of approval will receive a lot of positive feedback about themselves, their skills as a lover and partner, and the relationship in general,” Uren says.

To set the mood, you can send a sexy message to your partner earlier in the day letting them know that they are on your mind. Compliment them or tell them what you like about your sex life and how much you love it when they turn you on.

Talking during sex is something you would like to do for those who love words of affirmation. Ursen offers face-to-face poses that allow you to whisper into your partner’s ear. “But no matter what position you’re in, be sure to let your partner know when they’re doing something you enjoy.” Remember: keep it positive and affirmative.

After sex, take the time to compliment your partner’s abilities between the sheets, or just tell him that you love him.

Receiving gifts

If your partner is someone whose love language is receiving gifts, then surprising them with new lingerie, a new sex toy, or some sexy bedroom accessories like massage oil or any BDSM gear is a great idea, suggests Ursen. You can even get a little creative and write your own erotic story for your partner, or create your own sex vouchers for your partner to cash in on.

But gifts are not necessarily tangible items. “If your partner has hinted that he wants to try a certain position or activity in the bedroom, offer to try it out with him,” Ursen says. “Alternatively, let them choose their favorite sex position, or give them new sex accessories like a position-enhancing pillow or some restraints under the bed to help you with your game.”

Filling the fridge with their favorite snacks or drinks as a little post-sex treat is also a great way to talk to your partner in their love language. Thoughtfulness goes a long way when it comes to this love language.

Communicating what we need and understanding what our partner needs in the bedroom can sometimes be a little tricky. However, by learning love languages ​​with a partner, you have a better chance of not only getting closer, but also getting more sexual satisfaction.