How to Have a Less Annoying Wedding
Scroll through the r/AmItheAsshole page on Reddit for about two seconds and you’ll find that getting married can ruin a relationship. Wedding planning was dangerous territory before the pandemic, and the added layer of security protocols has only made matters worse for many engaged. For example, while working on this article, I was talking to a friend of a friend whose wedding (already a controversial move) led to a major conflict with unvaccinated family members who probably cannot travel abroad to attend. Like I said: tense!
When you’re planning your special day, what should you keep in mind so you don’t inconvenience all your guests in a million different ways? Is it possible to have your own wedding cake and eat it too? For context: I am in between worlds when it comes to wedding philosophy. My former classmates from Virginia are tying the knot in Pinterest-worthy extravagant pieces, while my friends in Brooklyn refuse to label a multi-year date rather than a date. To learn the current state of wedding etiquette, I took to Reddit, Twitter, and most of all, my good friend Britt, who had an incredibly fun wedding last summer.
Here’s how you can have the wedding of your dreams without the people who care about you.
Make a wedding website
My mom is having her second wedding this summer and her “save the date” letter came in the mail with a QR code that led to a website full of information about the day. Similarly, my friend Britt (the aforementioned wedding success celebrity) says this is her number one tip for anyone planning a wedding these days because it’s the easiest way to answer any questions or concerns your guests may have. .
Britt’s approach was to create a site “so detailed that no one needed to ask a question”. This included pages on dress code, gifts, and all lodging options within a 30-mile radius of the venue.
There are many tools and templates for creating a website so that every detail is easily accessible to both you and your guests.
Prioritize your guests’ needs hierarchy
Do you know Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs ? If you look closely, you will see that “enough food and drink” will always be more important than “flower arrangements”.
No one will appreciate the beauty of your establishment if you don’t make sure they have a comfortable seat, or if the room is too hot or too cold, or if there isn’t a single vegetarian option. Ensure a good time by prioritizing the basics before you start sweating over design details.
Short ceremony, long reception
Enough said. Of course, the duration of the wedding ceremony may depend on your religion or culture. However, if your focus is on the guests, try to keep the ceremony efficient so that everyone can start celebrating at the reception as soon as possible.
Your guests will no doubt be moved to tears by your vows, but let them cry over a glass of wine as the cover band performs their rendition of “Brown Eyed Girl”.
Put yourself in the place of your guests (literally)
Consider a relaxed approach to the dress code. This can pay off in terms of spending, gender expression, and overall physical comfort.
One of my Twitter partners Adam Campbell-Schmitt ( @adamcswrites ) told me that instead of requiring the wedding party to buy specific dresses, they provided a common color scheme for all outfits. “There were no dress or costume requirements based on gender (my sister wore trousers). The idea was that people could wear whatever they felt comfortable in (and would wear again).”
Similarly, Britt provided a basket of free flip-flops in case people wanted to change out of their heels to hit the dance floor. She says, “You want people to feel like you care about them.”
Think about when and where you will have your wedding
We’re entering complex, undeniable territory when it comes to the physical timing and location of a wedding. Is it selfish to combine a wedding with a holiday? Are weddings abroad romantic or do they suck for time and money? I don’t have the answers, so my advice is to put yourself in your guests’ shoes again and consider the total amount of what you are asking about.
Add up all the details of your guest’s experience. If your venue is a mile or two from the nearest airport, you need to factor in the time and cost of transportation. Britt mentions the fact that even though a Friday wedding is cheaper than a Saturday wedding, you require people to take a day or two off work. She mentions that a Sunday wedding is just as expensive as a Friday, but then people might not celebrate as much as they would like.
Visualize the event as a visitor, start to finish, and try to look at the sum of all its parts. Then determine if you are going beyond what you ask of your guests.
Make your expectations clear
Communication is key if you don’t want passive-aggressive grunts about your special day. What’s the dress code? Are you waiting for gifts at the engagement, bachelorette party and reception? (Eek.) Can I bring my seven year old?
Avoid confusion by making your expectations as clear as possible. This means creating a gift registry, a clear child policy, and passing on all other details that you don’t want to interpret. In the world of dreams, your expectations are reasonable, as are your guests.
Set clear COVID protocols
Similar to the advice above, but with an added focus on pandemic safety rules. Britt’s biggest struggles in planning her wedding were emblematic of the biggest challenges we’ve all faced over the past few years: (1) COVID-19 and (2) loved ones with different political views. Now, the ambiguous “end, but not quite end” of the pandemic brings with it a new bleakness into the already gloomy territory of wedding etiquette.
Minimize conflict with clarity. Add a section to your website about testing sites, vaccine requirements, and other safety precautions.
Think like a boss, not like a star
Most wedding horror stories boil down to someone’s unreasonable expectations. At some point, it became socially acceptable to turn a wedding into a day where you make your friends jump over financial, geographic, and emotional hurdles for you. Smarter people than me have speculated about why this is so . In the meantime, think of it this way: the best weddings are like a celebration, not a one-man show.
After all, the only reason your guests come is to celebrate your love. Don’t waste the forest (your marriage) for the trees (your wedding day).