How to Party Like a Real Damn Adult
I’m a rule girl. I like the structure everywhere except in bras. I love menus, schedules and responsibility charts, and if you give me a walkie-talkie, I will never try hard drugs. I love rules because I know what works. I hosted parties for five and evenings for 20,000 (in all sorts of absurd conditions), and in the end the rules stayed the same.
This trick will make your food instantly ready.
Yes, I want people to eat the food I cook for them, but now it is 2021. Someone grabbing their phone to take a picture is a more meaningful compliment than a word of gratitude. Taking the extra time to decorate and make everything look pretty makes a huge difference, so I’m going to share my secret.
These are the leaves . Exit Effin. Or just one vile leaf. Why does it work? I do not know. Editing? Conditioning? Leaves a layer of color and gives the food even more. They’re also … you know … free (or almost free). Here are some of my favorite leaves and how to use them.
Grape leaves or nasturtium leaves
Ironically, both are often still available in winter; just look out the door and peep into your neighbors’ yard. Use them as a base for snack boards or to anchor groups of appetizers (as I did with the goat cheese you see at the top of this article).
Garlic blades
Place stuffed mushroom caps, cheese-stuffed cherry tomatoes, or polenta chunks on a plate, then take 2-inch chunks of garlic and place them on the table, sticking just enough into the food to stand up. It’s overwhelmingly effective.
Crispy sage leaf or one parsley or cilantro leaf
Why does it look so polished, so finished, so fashionable? I do not know. But you can achieve a great look by adding a deep-fried (or air -fried) sage leaf or one parsley leaf to any snack for a little bite.
This trick will make sure your food is eaten.
All meals you serve should be eaten with one hand. This is obvious if you have studied party behavior, and yet almost no one adheres to this theory. The plates suck. They are wasteful and encourage people to collect more food than they can eat, causing rows of bodies to congregate in one place. (You also end up with dirty dishes all over the place.) Instead, cook food that doesn’t need a plate — something you can pick up and eat with one hand.
Food for one bite falls into the mouth on demand, without waste, allowing the other hand to hold a glass of booze. Or a person. Or a telephone. People don’t bite off too many bites because they can’t.
Don’t try to get around this rule – there are no skewers. Where do these skewers and toothpicks go when people are done with them? That’s right: in your houseplants. I also don’t recommend dips, sauces, or anything that might drip on someone’s clothes. Your guests will be grateful to you.
If you find that a lack of plates, skewers, and cutlery is limiting you, don’t worry. There are plenty to choose from.
Sushi
The sliced sushi rolls are dry, perfect to be eaten with one hand, and easy to customize to suit millions of different tastes and dietary needs. The sushi are colorful too and contain a decent carbohydrate base for drunken parties. You can buy it ready-made at your local store, or make your own if you feel like it. You can serve several dishes, from vegetarian to gluten-free, as well as standard dishes such as California rolls.
Dumplings
Think of all the dumplings you have access to: empanada, gueuze, wontons, arancini and, yes, pizza rolls. If this something is contained in something else, it counts. Here I am wrong about foods that are fried or baked rather than steamed because you are looking for foods that will not drip or slip out of your hand on the floor.
If you do them, make them small. Dumplings that take two bites can crack and spill the insides of your blouse or neckline, and this is what we try to avoid. (I seem to be obsessed with this drip food idea? All event planners).
Tea sandwiches
Wings are prohibited in my events. They are dirty and require both hands (and a place to lay the bones). They are like a tidal wave of bad decisions about events. But carnivores need to be fed, so consider small tea sandwiches cut into squares and stuffed with things like roast beef or turkey. Even a microburger would be delicious. The rules remain the same: you must be able to eat with one hand, do not require a plate, and have no extra parts or pieces to throw away or put away later.
This will ensure that your party is mature.
We are all very happy to see our friends and family who have gone through the past two years, even if that means testing quickly every 24 hours. Your shindig can take place in a bunker and it will still be an explosion (especially compared to the rest of 2021).
Bunker or not, there are a few specific truths you can use to make people more comfortable at events. It may sound pomp and solemn, but there is a reason why these ideas work.
Use different height levels
Keeping everything flat and on the same level doesn’t invite people to the stage. Use height to add depth and create enjoyable moments. For example: Use risers on the snack table and display food at different heights. You don’t even need to buy matching risers: just fold the books under the tablecloth. Use different height cups for vegetable sticks and cake holders to represent groups of apps to create an edible play area that people can sneak into and explore.
But beware of places where growth can bite you, namely sit-down meals. Make sure there is nothing on the table that is so tall that people cannot talk. (Impossible to see tall flowers, vases, and snack towers.)
Use heights above the diner and throughout the event – suggest seating on sofas, on a floor with floor cushions, and standing at bistro tables. This allows more movement at the party, encouraging people to move from one place to another rather than gathering around the couch.
Use texture and layers
Have you ever thrown a tablecloth on a table just to realize that you like the look of a bare table better? This is likely because your table had some texture and character, while a plain tablecloth did not. But many layered tablecloths can create a lot of depth, and whatever fabric you have can be a tablecloth.
The same goes for your couch or seat. Now is not the time to put away the blankets, but now is the time to fold them and place them so that they add to the environment. Consider hanging sheer curtains over your fixtures or ceiling to add even more texture to the room. It’s the same with crockery, silverware and glasses. Don’t shy away from mixing and matching.
Also consider the texture of the party food and offer a wide variety of flavors – serve soft cheeses or creamy soups, as well as crispy crudite or pretzels in sticks, as well as gummy caramels or meat sliders.
Quit monotonous
Hosting monochrome parties only works when you can actually commit (which usually costs a lot of money). Instead, consider the color picker and treat it as a guide, not a hard and fast rule. Don’t worry about matching tableware on the table. Stick to a color theme like blue, green and purple, or use different Chinese patterns or materials (glass, metal, ceramic), but they are all different shades of taupe or pink.
Extend this to candles, glassware, and bedding. People tend to rent and buy paper party supplies in the same color, shade and tone. Mix it up instead. Think autumn leaves and choose orange, amber or brown, or use the color wheel and choose contrasting colors like cornflower blue and musky yellow. It will look intentional, but sensible at the same time.
Final thoughts
Regardless of the event, these are checks that I go through beforehand. These maneuvers will make your guests more comfortable and you can enjoy the party.
- Always walk around the room as if you were a guest to accommodate the movement pattern. Even in your own home. Move the plant or coat hanger to improve your movement pattern. Obviously, the children’s gate and dog gate should be removed at night.
- Consider the bathroom. Where will people queue up? Is there another one available? Are things like extra toilet paper, extra hand towels, tampons, Tylenol, patches, and a plunger in easily accessible places?
- Garbage hidden under the sink will be inaccessible. Make trash and recycling easy to see in every room, and remember to change them as needed throughout the party.
- Where will coats, shoes and wallets go? Which places are closed and how do you indicate this? Make these decisions now and explain them to your guests.
- Remove everything that you cannot live without from the space in which people will be. Not because they will steal it (I mean, I assume they are your friends), but because it might be broken or stained.
- Have a charging station. At least a few people will inevitably appear in front of you with a charger in their hands and a helpless expression on their faces. Choose a suitable outlet and put some chargers in there for people to use. Obviously, it shouldn’t be near food or drinks.
In closing, let me leave you with a memory of an event that I often think of. It was in early August, and I was about twenty years old. I hosted a giant lobster festival in Scottsdale, Arizona. It was the end of the weekend, late on the third day, and we needed someone to go on stage and announce the sale of the remaining crustaceans. There was controversy about who should do it. With a hand that didn’t hold my fourth vodka of the night, I grabbed the crown of King Triton from a really bad comic that someone had hired to host, ran onto the stage and grabbed the microphone. After announcing to everyone that I was the new queen of the underwater world, I greeted my constituents to take home one of my lobster children for immediate consumption to sparkling applause. At least that’s what I was told, for my memory is delightfully clear from this event.
It is with this spirit, my little mermaids, that I welcome you to ask all the party planning questions below. As the benevolent Sea Queen who has overseen a wide variety of events, parties and occasional rage, I am here to serve and I want you to have the best party ever, even if it’s in the bunker.