When Talking About Your Grief Helps (and When Not)
Grief is a normal part of dealing with loss. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, overcoming a serious illness, or ending a relationship, grief looks and feels different for everyone. While many people find that talking about their grief can help them realize their loss, there are times when it doesn’t help or even make you feel worse.
“Depending on where you are in your grief, the nature of your loss and your support network, it can be really helpful to talk about grief,” said Christa Saint-Germain , grief expert and host ofthe Widowed Mom podcast. “At the onset of acute grief, talking about it helps make it real and helps you come to that place of acceptance.”
But Saint-Germain also points out that there are two main points when talking may not help you get rid of grief.
When you talk to people who don’t understand
Of course, this sounds obvious: talking to someone who doesn’t understand your grief probably won’t help. But it is often difficult to predict in advance, and often even the people closest to us may not understand what we are going through.
We can also experience powerless grief when loss is minimized, misunderstood, or even not acknowledged by others. For example, you might mourn the loss of a romantic relationship or close friendship, which may seem like a minimal loss to an outsider. But to the person experiencing it, it can seem devastating.
When it keeps you from going forward
A second situation that may not help with your grief is when talking about it actually prevents you from moving forward in life.
“Sometimes it happens that we start to use loss as a reason to stay stuck, as a reason to limit our options,” said Saint-Germain.
While grief is something that may never completely disappear, especially if it involves the loss of someone you love, it is important to remember and respect the loss while striving to live a fulfilling, rich life.
“Does talking about my grief move me towards what I want in my life, or does it take me further away from what I want in life?” said Saint Germain. “If I talk to someone who helps me in this, it moves me to what I want in my life.”
It will look different for everyone, and as with grief itself, the usefulness of the conversations will diminish and diminish. In some situations, talking about grief can help rethink the loss in a way that helps the person honor that loss while continuing to live a fulfilling life. In other situations, talking can be counterproductive because it only serves to keep the person in the past.
“The grief doesn’t end,” Saint-Germain said. “Your thoughts and feelings will likely change over time, but we are not trying to get to the end point – we are trying to accept this loss and adapt it to our life experience.”