Here’s How Much to Do Online Before Dating
One of the reasons Hinge is my favorite dating app is because of the ability of people to really show part of their personality in their profile tips. In addition to basic concerns about safety and atmosphere, it is helpful to have a starting point for small talk about each other’s interests. Likewise, I have previously argued why Twitter can work well as a dating app, although this is not always the case. There is currently a stranger who bumped into my Twitter messages telling ( without asking) me to go have a drink with him. His argument is that we should “get to know each other in person” through small talk on the Internet. I replied that what he sees as “small talk” is what I consider to be “basic politeness” and also a way of knowing if he plans to chop me into small pieces (which is always a non-zero chance, folks). Also: Yes, I’m single, please raise your jaws off the floor.
Blind Date is dead. We live in a time when, if I can find out your name, then I can find out what year you graduated from, what your sense of humor is, and perhaps even how tall you really are . Why restrain yourself, given the ability to “lightly chase” (more on this term in a second)? As long as you’re exercising some self-control, it makes sense to use the digital tools at your disposal to make sure your potential date doesn’t have any major barriers to the deal.
While I am an advocate of looking for people before meeting them, don’t sabotage the relationship too early, there is too much information. So, what should you know about researching dating online before meeting in person? I have casually posted this question on my fan network and have done my own research to provide some clarity.
First: let’s stop calling it “stalking”
Internet harassment is an outdated term that has been misleading since it was first introduced. Unless you mean real cyberbullying , which is a serious and dangerous offense, you are probably using the term “harassment” to refer to the process of scrolling back someone’s Facebook or Instagram. I’m here to tell you that given the state of social media and privacy expectations, this so-called “harassment” is not only acceptable, but to be expected, especially if you’re getting ready to meet someone from a dating app. personally.
Let me repeat how strange what we call basic preliminary research “persecution” is. This does not mean that you follow this person and follow him home; and if you do, please stop and get help. Instead, there is a large amount of online investigations and Instagram scrolling, which is less like stalking and more like background checks. Isn’t that what we do when we’re looking for someone on a dating app? Done right, you use the digital tools at your disposal to ensure that a potential partner is who they say they are.
Be safe from someone else’s danger
The most obvious reason for a quick Google search for your life partner’s name is to get a general idea of who they are before you meet them. After that first date, you can google some more, because at this stage you have to make sure that they are who they say they are. In an interview with INSIDER , relationship expert Susan Winter said that people “shouldn’t be ashamed if they [googled their date], because it’s pretty common. And it becomes more common practice when you really like the person after the first date … You want to check the facts. “
In addition, runaway pursuit is a primary expectation of contemporary interactions, romantic or not. In response to my tweet, author Nikki Haverstock ( @RancherNikki ) shared, “A quick Google search seems like a good security protocol, but I wouldn’t call it stalking. When I go to class, I often do the same with my teacher to get an idea of their experience. Many of my writing / teaching clients do the same to me. ”
I know that background checks don’t sound romantic. You know what’s not romantic yet? I’m going on a date with catfish . Or a racist. Or your cousin. You get the idea.
Think of the many, many grains of salt
A glaring flaw in the practice of “stalking,” “background checks,” or any other type of online research: people lie online too. Once again, please lift your jaw off the floor.
It’s helpful to arm yourself with some basic facts about the person, but keep in mind that you haven’t gotten to the full picture yet. “There are times when researching someone online before meeting them can save you a dead-end meeting, ” Scott Valdez, founder and president of ViDA , a service that helps clients find the ideal online partner , told Bustle . “But here’s what you need to keep in mind when you look around – you are missing a huge piece of the puzzle.”
There are many caveats to keep in mind when verifying your background information. Many amazing people use social media poorly, if at all. You may be researching the wrong person with the same name. Not only are others unable to accurately present themselves on the Internet, you are also not an impartial and objective researcher. You may glean some information that is a certified dealbreaker – for example, your date is actually married and has children – while other details may look like red flags when in fact you are judging too harshly from behind a screen. …
Keep some things in mind
My Twitter network agrees that it’s important to strike a balance between research and open-mindedness – and heart. Jordan Ashley ( @JordanAshleighF ) told me, “I ‘ll take a quick look at their content to see if there are any important red flags , but I prefer to decide for myself. Some people are not good at social media and are good in real life! learning too much about someone before meeting them takes away the pleasure of it. “
Likewise, @themeredith said, “I’ll do a basic background check and only meet in a public place, but especially guys my age (I’m 37) are generally not very good on social media or even texting half the time, so the picture is clear personally. … Plus it keeps things interesting! “
Let’s say you scroll too much and see someone posting sarcastic opinions about movies, or they have a disgusting taste for memes, or you think they smile too many teeth. While it is important to listen to true worries, try not to sabotage the date before giving someone a chance to show you who they are in real life.
Adapt to the new norm
A quick search is to be expected these days. So go ahead and make sure your date doesn’t get unpleasant. Maybe I’ll even get a few participants in the conversation together; If someone has a public profile and is shocked when you mention them in person, well, they need to keep up with the times.
How to balance a healthy amount of research? One of my Twitter respondents @ale_xcp said well: “ Over- learning creates unfair expectations. It is enough to know to be sure that they are not a mutant or a predator – that’s good. “
So let yourself take a few minutes and then put your detective badge away. If you’re on the fourth page of Google results, or back to the point where every Instagram post had this grainy vignette filter, you’re drawing a filtered image of someone before finding out who they really are.
If you’re wearing a private detective cap, here’s how to keep your social media private . On the other hand, try to keep your social media presence as private as possible . Finally, to date in the first place, here’s how to get good reviews on dating apps .