Please Don’t Say These Things to Someone Who Doesn’t Drink.
New Years came, and with it came the big night for booze. Holidays are usually accompanied by a lot of celebrations, from Thanksgiving to drunken meetings with Secret Santa Claus to New Years Eve, and there are frequent opportunities to get together and have fun – most of them with gallons of alcohol.
This can be a tough time if you are sober or trying to limit your alcohol intake. As the number of meetings increases, there is often an increased urge to drink, which, even if implied in a friendly atmosphere, can cause anxiety in the non-drinker. But according to the Washington Post , 30% of American adults don’t drink at all. So, in a spirit of respect for people’s choice, privacy, and comfort, here are some things that shouldn’t be said when someone turns down an adult drink.
“Why not?”
It’s okay to be interested in people’s choices in life, but that doesn’t mean we can question them with impunity, especially at holiday gatherings. This is a highly personal request, which may make the teetotaler feel compelled to share personal information that they may not like. (Or another crappy alternative: a lie.) It could be for religion, health, addiction, or other personal reasons. None of this is anyone’s business unless they volunteer to offer them themselves.
“Are you sure?”
As I often tell my children, when they ask me the same thing several times, hoping to get a different answer: “I have already answered this question.” If you have to ask if someone is sure, it means that they have already said no – an answer that should be respected.
“Come on, just one !?”
This person may have struggled and argued with the decision to come to this party knowing that alcohol (and people trying to force it on them) was everywhere. At best, this line irritates public peer pressure; in the worst case, it can lead to a dangerous relapse for the convalescent.
“You’re not fun.”
Can you imagine going to a party, minding your own business, trying to have some fun , and someone hints that you are bored because you don’t drink? Stay away from this line, along with the phrases “relax” and “you are missing.” As far as we know, they may have the most interesting background or the best speaking skills in the room. Let’s not spoil anyone’s atmosphere simply because we can’t handle them unless we walk down the rabbit hole to have a drink with us.
“You are pregnant?”
Rule number one about the female body: Don’t casually ask what’s going on inside a woman’s body. Unless they’re a super good friend. But an acquaintance or a colleague? Hard to say. Maybe she is , but she’s not ready to make it public yet. She may be trying, but with all her might. Maybe she didn’t get pregnant and she never wants to. Excuse me, how did we get here again? Oh yeah, I’m asking an inappropriate, annoying question because someone refuses to drink. Let’s not.
“Wow. Crazy.”
Hmm … when you think about how much destruction alcohol can harm people’s health and privacy, the craziest thing is how careless we have become about its abuse. It is more acceptable to tell “funny” stories about him being drunk than to let the non-drinker just be present at social events. The decision not to drink is categorically not crazy or weird. In fact, it is often associated with mental or physical improvement – two reasons that should be praised, not minimized.
“Do you mind if I drink?”
While this may be a well-intentioned investigation, it is a rather strange question to ask someone at a public alcohol event. Not only does this place more emphasis on their abstinence, it suggests that they care about your drinking or adjudicate on it. It’s like riding a roller coaster and asking the person next to you, “Do you mind if I scream?” They don’t. Expected. Go right ahead.
“I can never do it.”
Congratulations? Nobody offers you to do this. Avoiding alcohol is not a competition or competition for moral superiority. There is no need to compare your decision to drink with their decision not to drink.
“Sweet! Can you take me home?”
Just because someone will be sober in the evening doesn’t mean they want to be the default Uber driver. Let them enjoy the evening without asking for a last minute service.
What should you say instead?
Binge drinking is so common – even expected – in American culture that it can be surprising when someone chooses not to drink. And while we may wonder why, it is never appropriate to corner them with judgmental or aggressive statements.
Instead, if you’re hosting guests, be sure to provide a wide variety of readily available non-alcoholic drinks. When someone refuses a cocktail, just say, “Oh, can I have something else? Maybe soda or seltzer? And turn them on like any other guest at the party.