How to Feel Your Feelings (and Why You Need It)
Feeling your feelings – contrary to the long-held belief that they are somehow weak – is extremely hard work. That is why we often use the technique of avoidance, not to feel them, drinking, overeating, gambling and excessive employment, to name but a few. But, as it turns out, learning to feel (rather than just think or bury) our feelings is critical to our development and achieving what matters most to us.
But why is it so difficult for people with complex emotions to adequately feel their feelings? As Dr. Victoria Lemle Beckner, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of California, San Francisco, writes for Psychology Today , “The function of emotions is to drive fast behaviors (not feelings).” From an evolutionary perspective, she writes, senses are designed to “stimulate adaptive behavioral responses” to the environment. ( I feel threatened! I have to run! ) “Feelings are NOT meant for us to slow down and actually feel them.”
But, as Beckner writes, any avoidance or attempt to reduce or control one’s emotions will leave underlying problems unresolved. It is very important to learn to “feel skillfully”, she argues, because our feelings signal what is important to us. We may be sad because we yearn for more communication; or angry about mistreatment or injustice. It is only after we stop in this awkward tangle of emotions that we can re-learn about our abilities, resist reactive, sabotaging behavior, and choose wisely for the benefit of our deeper values.
If you’ve spent any time on self-improvement work, you’ve no doubt heard vague instructions to “sit with” and “keep space” for your feelings – but what exactly does that mean? How can we do this vague thing “fully experience our feelings”?
In this video TikTok, which has gained nearly a million views, Jeff Guenther, founder Therapy Den, describes the process of clear, small steps. Below you will find a six-step process to “feel that feeling and let it flow through your body.” Because, according to Gunther, “if you can’t, it could be a disaster.”
Step one: define the feeling
Gunther says the first step is to answer the question, “What emotion is capturing you?” If you are inspired by your new candy and suddenly you are overwhelmed with anxiety – what is it? Call it as if you were a reporter. “I feel fear and anxiety.”
Step two: don’t analyze it
What to expect? Don’t we need to explore this feeling intellectually to understand why it dominates our minds and bodies? Nope. On the contrary, in fact. “Do not think about it. Don’t start making up stories, Gunther says. At this stage, you actively resist the stories that are usually built around feelings. Things like “I don’t deserve this love” or “I’ll probably screw it up too.” These thoughts simply prompt our brains to create more reasons for fear. “When you do this, you think about your feelings. And the more you think about your feelings, the more they will intensify. “
Step Three: Assess where this feeling is coming from in your body.
Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and observe: where is this feeling in your body? Is it in your chest, stomach, throat? Dive into it. Continue to notice this. Remember, we are not here to create stories or intellectualize feelings. Literally just feel it. If your brain has something to do, objectively describe how it feels in your body. “My chest is shy. My toes hurt. My breathing is shallow. “
Step four: inhale (and allow) it
Here Gunther advises us: “Breathe into it, send energy into it. It can be healing energy, positive energy, it doesn’t matter. Just focus on the physical sensations. ” Since I don’t know how to convey positive energy, I think of this step as taking a deep breath and repeating: “I am aware of this fear. I am aware of this anger. “
Or, as a pictograph created by writer / illustrator Emily McDowell (which Gunther used as the inspiration for his video) instructs us, “Cry, shake, etc., if you’re not at Target.” (Personally, I would add throwing, screaming, and pillow-hitting to this list. Basically everything your body needs to do.)
Step Five: Watch It Move Through Your Body
When you focus only on the sensation, notice: is it moving through your body? Did it hit the jaw from the chest? Is it getting weaker or getting stronger? Instead of returning to mental storytelling mode, redirect your awareness to the sensations in your body. Watch his journey. “The more you look at it, the more you feel it and don’t think about it, the more it starts to dissipate,” says Gunther.
Step six: trust that he leaves (and returns to the present)
Are you still breathing? Keep breathing. Slowly and deeply. In the words of McDowell, “let the feeling exist and believe it will go.” As soon as the feeling becomes more bearable (weakened), consciously bring your mind back to the present moment. Return your mental attention to what you were doing when the unpleasant feeling arose and “notice that you survived.”
Repeat until nauseous until the process becomes second nature.