Avoid This Common Relationship Trap, We Implore You
New relationships can be exciting as you get to know someone on a deeper level, get to know their past and what drives them. Then, as you continue to interact with that person, you will get to know them even better, including their goals, fears, and worldview.
This process will also reveal some of their undesirable traits – for example, communication difficulties, the need to always be right, or the inability to set or accept personal boundaries.
Typically, at some point in a relationship, a couple may think they know everything there is to know about the other person, and as a result begins to make assumptions about their partner’s thoughts, feelings, and motives, according to Ph.D. Teich Smith. ., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Associate Professor of Psychology at Pepperdine University.
In a recent article for Psychology Today, Smith discusses what happens when people make assumptions about their partner and how to avoid this common relationship trap.
What Happens When You Make Assumptions About Your Partner
The first thing Smith points out in his article is that no couple is immune to the trap of speculating about each other, no matter how long they’ve been together. “It’s because knowing someone well doesn’t give you the ability to read their mind and understand the motivation (s) and hidden emotions behind their behavior,” she explains.
Not only that, but according to Smith , when you make assumptions about a partner, they can build up over time, leading to inaccurate interpretations about the person. This can then lead to resentment and / or unnecessary conflict in the relationship – all based on an assumption that may or may not be true.
Examples of how you can make assumptions
In his article for Psychology Today, Smith provides several examples of situations that can lead to intimate assumptions. These include:
- Incorrect reading (or reading too much) of facial expressions and body language.
- Don’t let your partner know your thoughts or feelings about anything because you think they already know (or should already know).
- Believing that you already know what your partner wants or needs instead of asking or listening to him. This also applies to inferences about their values, hopes and dreams.
How to challenge assumptions in a relationship
Like many other relationship problems, this one also boils down to improving communication. But this is common advice for a reason: it’s hard to do. Fortunately, Smith says that regardless of the length of the relationship, couples can make a conscious effort to retrain themselves to challenge the assumptions they make about their partner.
One way to do this, she says , is to start asking each other important questions that will help you better understand your partner. These questions should be tailored to your relationship and specific needs, but if you’re not sure where to start, here are some examples of questions and conversation starters that Smith suggests in his article for Psychology Today :
- How do you feel about this situation?
- How can I support you right now?
- What would you like to see [in a specific situation]?
- What is important to you? (either in general or according to a specific scenario)
- Can I share with you my thoughts and feelings about this?
The idea, Smith said, is to give couples the opportunity to discuss topics and have conversations that might not arise in their daily lives. The key, she says , is that both partners must answer vulnerability questions in order to address existing (and avoid future) assumptions before they escalate into resentment or conflict.