How to Get Through the Holidays When You’re Estranged From Your Family
The vacation season is known for bringing up thoughts of family, both good and bad. Despite the fact that most of us have complex relationships with family, including those we enjoy spending time with and those we don’t, there are many people for whom the topic of family causes more pain than most.
While we don’t talk about it often, alienation from a family member is more common than we think: an estimated 65 million Americans live separately from at least one family member . In a survey of mothers aged 65 to 75 with at least two children , 11 percent reported being separated from at least one child.
As a result, the vacation season, which emphasizes spending time with the family, can be particularly painful and difficult for those who fall into this group.
What is family estrangement?
Alienation is when a family member deliberately reduces contact with someone due to negative relationships or perceptions of negative relationships. Alienation exists continuously, from diminishing contact to no contact. Alienation can also increase and decrease, with the relationship shifting from weak contact to no contact and back, depending on the circumstances.
Usually alienation occurs due to prolonged conflict, although in some cases it can be very sudden, such as in cases where parents disown their children after they become LGBTQIA. Studies of marital alienation show that causes tend to be related to serious problems, such as persistent violence, neglect, or substance abuse.
In the case of some alienations, if it is related to a single provoking event, such as an argument, rather than a lifelong pattern of toxic behavior, reconciliation can occur, although it is usually a good idea to make an effort to resolve the root cause. the problem is to avoid repeating old patterns.
“There are so many different reasons [for alienation], and these reasons mean something,” said Dan Neuhart, licensed family therapist and author of If You Control Your Parents: How to Reconcile With Your Past and Take Your Place. in the world. “If alienation arises from someone betraying you, stealing money, insulting or treating you unfairly, one way to take care of yourself is to have less contact with that person.”
Why Holidays Are Particularly Difficult for Separated People
“Holidays are often a time when people not only spend time with their families, but also talk about spending time with their families,” said Christina Sharp , a University of Washington faculty member whose research focuses on alienating parents and children. “People can not only think more about their family relationships during the holidays, but also have difficult conversations.”
If the person is away from a family member, vacations can be particularly challenging, whether it is trying to make plans that do not include your family, having to negotiate boundaries when spending time with your family, or having to explain to others why your plans might not include spending time with your family. …
“Often times, people feel ashamed or embarrassed that they have estranged themselves from their family because that’s not something we should be doing,” Neuhart said. “Sometimes they don’t talk about it, but it hurts a lot, so they sit alone in pain.”
How to get through the holiday season
Given that vacations are already emotionally charged times, Neuhart doesn’t usually suggest trying to make peace with family. If alienation is driven by an old argument rather than a life-long pattern of toxic behavior, it can lead to reconciliation, but only with great difficulty.
“Sometimes [reconciliation] is not always the right thing to do just because it’s the holidays,” Neuhart said. “At other times of the year, when there is no holiday pressure, maybe everything will be better.” Instead, Neuhart recommends spending time with people who support and care for you, or using this time to do something for yourself.
“For some people, the more significant family is not the family they were born in and raised in, but the family they built in their community. Perhaps they are the ones with whom they spend their holidays and that is much more caring, ”Neuhart said. “For others, this time when they may have gone to visit family can be like ‘found’ time so you can relax, pamper yourself, or complete some projects that will take care of you much more than a trip to a family situation. which will not be. “