How to Hide Food in the Movies Like a Criminal Genius
Now that COVID is on a downward trend, it is vital that we pretend it was a bad dream and vigorously return to what we did before without changing our behavior in any way. And that means a return to the cinema! And going to the movies means brushing up on your snack-making skills.
This recent article from Spoon University talks about some of the proven methods of getting food into movie theaters. There are a lot of solid tips here, for example:
- Bring only those things that have already been sold at the theater.
- Don’t bring anything too stinking.
- Big pockets are your friend.
- Put it in your bag.
- Get food into the theater in your stomach by eating it first. (I came up with this)
All good advice outside of the “elephant in the multiplex,” the only overarching fact that should color all attempts to smuggle food into theaters: nobody really cares. You need to be a little sneaky but not that mean because, well, see the previous sentence.
Concession sales may be the multiplex’s main source of profit, but the 17-year-old who rips your ticket up almost certainly doesn’t give a damn on a personal level and aren’t paid enough to take care of professionally. They just want to get through the day without being disturbed. So remember the golden rule:
- Give employees a plausible denial. It is not necessary to hide the cake in an artificial belly for pregnant women; you just need to make your smuggling easier to ignore than to resist. As long as you don’t have a candy bar sticking out of your pocket and you eat a whole pizza as you walk in, you should be fine, even with that bulging sweatshirt pocket.
Several important conclusions can be drawn from this rule:
- Don’t be an asshole. If you give someone a reason not to love you, they may be motivated to use their meager power to ruin your evening. Unlikely, but could happen. So just smile and say thank you when they rip your ticket up and walk by.
- Get out after yourself. In this survey of some theater staff, the main complaint about the candy spacesuit is that it leaves a mess. Do not do this; your parents would be ashamed.
“Okay, but what if I get caught?”
What if someone does n’t care? What if sales of gummy marmalade were noticeably low for two months, and the area manager was breathing down the manager’s neck, so she sent an assistant manager to rip up tickets to show newbies how to catch candy smugglers? Well: Don’t worry about it. Food infiltration into the theater is not illegal, so the worst thing that can happen is a little embarrassment. They could kick you out, but they would probably just make you take the snack back to the car, or throw it away, or hold it until the movie ends. These are all very low rates. If you come across an overly zealous employee who is offended by the presence of the Snickers bar sticking out of your pocket, try saying, “I’m a diabetic.” Or “I have a severe allergy.” Say it with friendly confidence, looking them in the eye, and don’t offer further explanation. Even if what you say is not an explanation or is not entirely clear, most likely, the employees of the cinema will simply wave their hand at you, if only to avoid an unpleasant conversation about your health condition. I’m an asshole. This rule almost always applies to all interactions with service personnel (and everyone else).
The Time You Should Never Bring Food to the Theater
I think one could argue that breaking the rules in the theater is a kind of theft, but we live in a fallen world. Your virtue will only cost you money and will not give you anything. Hell, the movie theater staff carry the food to the movie theaters themselves .
But there is an exception: all of the tips above assume you are visiting a networked theater where the small monetary losses associated with the concession are just numbers in a 3Q spreadsheet that will quickly dissolve into a corporate profit pattern in a way that you never would. understand. …
If you are a frequent visitor to an independent movie theater, do not smuggle food. The profit margins of these cinematic cult houses are very small and concession sales are what they make, so the least you can do if you want to eat during the show is buy some Mike N ‘Ikes to support them. You must do your part to keep these places open.
If you go to a theater where the “treats” are the cakes that the owner’s wife baked, always buy them. They’ll be good, and besides, it’s delicious.