Don’t Say Such Things to Someone Who Has Lost Weight (and What Is Better to Say)
In our culture of body obsession, you may have an understandable urge to say something – anything – when you notice that a friend, coworker, or acquaintance has lost weight since the last time you saw them. But even the best intentions can sound dismissive, fathobic, or just plain rude.
Here’s your rule of thumb: Since you never fully know the reason for someone’s weight loss, you should avoid any kind of morality, good or bad. Below are general things you might want to rethink about when telling someone looking to lose weight and some tips on what to say instead. (You can also just say nothing. Saying nothing is also good.)
“You look great, have you lost weight?”
This comment means that this is indeed the case. However, the implication here is that the thinner the better – not entirely positive. Also, keep in mind that people are losing weight “for a variety of reasons that often have nothing to do with diet,” according to Melanie Rogers , MS, RDN and founder of the Eating Disorder Treatment Center. “This includes fighting physical or mental health, anxiety, depression, stress, or showing symptoms of an eating disorder – [which] can all lead to weight loss.” If you are not convinced that weight loss is part of a healthy lifestyle and that he is open to this kind of compliment, refrain from hinting that weight loss made him look better than he did before.
“You know, you didn’t need / don’t need to lose weight.”
Perhaps there are good intentions behind this comment: losing weight has always been beautiful and worthy. However, this comment still suggests that they “should” look a certain way – thin or fat or somewhere in between. And if they worked hard to lose weight, why would you frustrate their work as unnecessary now?
“How much have you lost weight?”
Saying numbers is stupid. Plus, as you lose weight, the numbers – pounds, miles, and calories – can take on new, emotionally charged dimensions. Reducing such a multi-layered experience to a few numbers can be invasive and potentially demeaning.
“What’s your secret?”
This question undermines the reality of all the boring and hard work that can be associated with someone’s weight loss efforts. Besides, there is no secret about it .
“You’re lucky.” / “You look much better.”
Avoid anything that offends the way they used to look in order to compliment the way they look now. After all, they are still the same person – then, now, and whatever size they may be in the future.
“How many pounds do you need to gain?”
Ah, this implies that there is still work to be done! No. Keep it to yourself.
“It’s like you’re a completely different person.”
This is a loaded gun. Miscellaneous good ? Another bad one ? When someone loses a significant amount of weight, it takes a long time for them to adjust to the new reflection in the mirror. Comments like these complicate the process.
“You are so lucky!”
Really? This formulation either minimizes the real hard work someone has done, or it is insensitive to unintentional weight loss that could be caused by a variety of other reasons.
“Come on, you can [have a snack / drink / temptation].”
It is probably not your business to tell someone what they may or may not do, and it is dangerous to think of food as something that the person “earns” for some reason. Better not to comment on what they eat and what they don’t.
“You look too thin.”
Perhaps you really feel that someone seems unhealthy or is acting insecure in some way. In this case, instead of commenting on their appearance, try asking questions of interest. For example: “How are you lately?” or “I feel like maybe you haven’t been yourself lately. How are you?”
What can (or should) say instead?
Ultimately, whether you want to express praise or concern, what you say depends on how you feel about that person. When in doubt, chances are good that you have no place to speak at all. If you know beyond a reasonable doubt that the person works hard and will be open to hear your comments, focus on donating their efforts over results. Thus, you are complimenting the person, not the vessel.
What to say instead:
- “Nice to see you” or any compliment not related to appearance. Omit the word “weight”.
- “You look happy.” If someone is proud of their weight loss, this prompts them to raise this issue on their own.
- “You look great.” Full stop.