What Not to Tell Your Breakup Friend (and What to Say Instead)
You don’t need to have a supernatural empathic gift to support a breakup friend. Whether you are overwhelmed or dancing the lapse of victory at the end of a relationship with a friend, your friend is defeated. Of course, you can clearly see all the possible ways to break up for the better, but you still want to support your friend as best you can before he finally reaches your wisdom. Here’s how to get close to your grief-stricken friend.
Let them splash out
The best you can say is nothing at all. In the early stages after a breakup, do your best to let your friend talk.
We’ve covered how to be a good listener when someone needs to speak up . One of the keys to being an active listener is to repeat and paraphrase what your friend is saying, demonstrating that you understand and hear them on a deeper level. When you intervene, prioritize confirming your friend’s current feelings rather than trying to immediately suggest any solutions or analysis.
Avoid clichés
Regardless of how your friend opens up to you, the cliché answer is impersonal at best and impersonal at worst. If you say something like, ” You will get through this, ” you better be specific to support your statement. Remind your friend what really makes them special, and how exactly why you know they will get through it.
Some classic bullies that will only minimize your friend’s feelings:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “There are many fish in the sea.”
- “You can do better.”
- Everything about the “One”. Now is not the time to talk about the mythical.
Ask them what they need
As mentioned above, not all of us are fortunate enough to be highly skilled empaths. Feel free to ask your friend direct questions about how you can meet their needs right now. At the end of the day, you may not know if offering a distraction would be pleasant comfort or an outright insult. If you’re stuck in a moment, here are some things to think about:
- What can I do for you right now?
- Will [Favorite Movie / Snack / Activity] help right now or is not the right time?
- Is it okay if I bring up [something specific about their relationship]?
- Could it help to hear about how I felt during the last breakup?
Save the silver lining
As Dr. Suzanne Lachman wrote in Psychology Today, “Remember, their grieving process is not on your schedule. Direction, persuasion and nudge will in no way speed up the process. ” Depending on how fresh the breakup was, try not to point out all the positives of loneliness (which are pretty cool for a loner anyway). No one was ever healed after hearing, “Hey, you lonely rock!”
This does not mean that you have to match your friend’s sadness; instead, try to channel your positivity towards confirming what they are saying at the moment. Here’s how you can get into a broader perspective by saying something like, “You are allowed to be sad, but remember that you don’t always feel this way.”
At the very least, you should never underestimate the power of simple “sucks”.
Don’t lead ex-beating
Look, I know that whatever you think about your ex-girlfriend is perfectly correct and justified. Your friend just doesn’t need to know this right away.
The worst thing is to hear that friends secretly hate your partner all the time. It can lessen new loss, or more importantly, undermine your friendship. Your friend may be left asking why you didn’t say anything before, or whether you think he was stupid about dating this person, or where else a heartbroken mind is wandering around. Swearing too early can hurt the way your friend sees you in their support system in the future.
One word of caution: Do you have any reason to believe your ex is in some way dangerous or that the relationship is harmful. Then maybe it’s time for tough love. Determine when it’s time to put your friend’s safety above their feelings.
Come up in other ways
Your friend grieves and grief consumes all. Show support by taking care of the little things. If this is a close friend of yours, you can intervene by going to the grocery store, ordering food delivery, or making plans for the evening that would otherwise be spent with your ex.
Understand your limits
Your role should not be to correct your friend. Take care of yourself and realize that you will never say the one perfect thing that will get your friend back on his feet. It’s hard to watch a friend fight, but you have to respect that you can do so much. If you start to notice that you are not being treated as a friend but as a therapist, consider setting boundaries.
At the end of the day, your most important friend role is just to be there. You don’t have to be perfect while you are here.