How to Meet up With a Roommate Without Ruining Everything

You move to a new location and find that one of your roommates is hot: it sounds like an adult movie set-up, but it can happen in real life. As with a colleague , acting on your attraction to your roommate can be reckless all things considered, but agitation tends to crowd out intelligence. So if you find that you can’t stop fantasizing about what it would be like to date your roommate – and how much money you will save if you move into a one-bedroom apartment – here are some tips for not accidentally ruining your family. a life. in progress.

Assess if your neighbor feels the same

As with any situation where you like someone, you first need to find out if you like them in return. This can be a little more difficult than you are used to, because your roommate may be more aware (or fearful) of all possible communication disruptions. Even if they like you, they may not show it.

This does not mean that you should push the issue or fool yourself into thinking that if they are not flirting with you, they are simply suppressing their true feelings. Be smart and take small steps. Invite them to take a walk outside your home. This will give you an idea of ​​whether they are interested in you as a friend and not just a roommate, and it will give you a chance to see if you have more in common than an address. If they refuse, don’t insist on it. “Not always” means “no,” but it’s especially frustrating to make someone feel anxious and uncomfortable in their own home.

For this practical guide, we turned to two people who know firsthand how bonding with a roommate affects the entire family: a Brooklyn man named Patrick, who has a relationship with his roommate Sam and has been dating her for three and a half. times. years; and a woman named Caitlin, who was the up-and-coming couple’s third housemate before Patrick and Sam moved into their own home. Patrick said that he was worried that taking any action on his attraction would be inappropriate, given that the woman for whom he had feelings lived in the same apartment as him.

“I had a suspicion that I would like her to be more than a friend before I moved, but was afraid to admit it because we were roommates,” he said, explaining that the two first met in Twitter, where he eventually responded to a post she made about finding a third roommate. “At first I was very shy, but over time we became more comfortable with each other.”

Discuss it with third parties

Caitlin told Lifehacker that she was friends with both of her roommates when they were all just roommates. The three of them chatted a lot, but Caitlin was closer to Sam. When Sam started telling Caitlyn that she liked Patrick, Caitlin immediately tried to talk her out of acting on her feelings.

“I thought it was just falling in love for a while! My roommate jokingly, I thought, mentioned that she was in love with Patrick. I’ve always said, “Okay, but you know nothing can happen, right?” And she always said, “Yes, yes, of course,” but her comments became more and more intense for me. However, I didn’t think it would happen until one morning she knocked on my door and said, “We met last night.”

Yes, Caitlin kind of got it wrong with that, given that the couple has been going strong for years. But at the time, she had no way of knowing if they would be compatible and not exploding the positive atmosphere of the three friends’ shared home by quarreling or breaking up. It was important for her to voice this before the couple met: always warn other housemates if you can, and take their advice seriously. Outsiders usually have ideas that you don’t have, especially if they are close to the situation. Who knows, maybe they’ll notice that you and your hot roommate have a lot in common. They might even cheer you up! But you have to give them that chance. This is fair.

Make a step

If you really think your roommate likes this and you’ve already looked for advice from outside sources, you can go for it. It may take a while: Patrick said it took him a year and a half to get his current girlfriend out. With the peace and harmony of your life situation at stake, you can (and should) take your time.

For Patrick and Sam, things naturally fell into place one night as they hung out in the living room. We usually recommend moving outside the home because if something goes wrong, you don’t want to associate the embarrassing memory with one of the rooms in your house.

Be frank and honest. Instead of leaning towards the kiss without warning, express your feelings. Chances are your roommate won’t see this, so as much as you want this movie-perfect first kiss scene, be careful. However, only you know the true atmosphere of the situation. If you really feel like you can just go for it, continue, but only if you are completely sure that you both want it to happen.

Understand if other roommates are unhappy

Caitlin summed up how she embraced her roommates’ new union as follows: “NOT GOOD.

“To be honest, I was furious,” she said. “We were all very close friends and [suddenly] I felt left out. I kind of exploded, and there was a few days of silence, which is not very fun when there are two of them and one of you. We were a very close group of friends and I was so sad that the dynamics were changing. “

In the end, of course, she realized that her roommates’ affection for each other was real.

Patrick has the same memory of that time: “It was tough because Caitlyn quickly lost her shit when we first met. We still had separate bedrooms, but we alternated bedrooms and always slept together. “

He added that he and Sam were as respectful as they could, keeping the CCP “to an absolute minimum” and telling Caitlyn the morning after they first met. If you live in the same house with several people and start dating one of them, do what they did and be honest with your other roommates. Remember, they deserve transparency about what is happening in their own home. You should avoid anything that can cause an argument, such as lying or over-intruding on common spaces, because this will only make the situation worse.

Caitlyn was grateful for their honest approach … after all.

“Ultimately, these are two adults who make their own decisions, and they have a right to do so, even if you are worried about the end result,” she said. “Fortunately, they were very respectful of not being very close in the common areas, so this was not a problem.”

Make a contingency plan

You still need to act like roommates as well as lovers, just to let you know. Make sure you still separate responsibilities and finances as usual, or at the very least, carefully discuss any configuration changes so that no one is offended. Most couples wait a while to move in together, but you won’t get that chance. You already enter into this with personal grudges about each other’s neatness or individual habits that most people keep away from partners for as long as possible. Such a good knowledge of each other from the very beginning has its flaws, but it can also immediately make your partnership stronger and more authentic. Always communicate, be honest, and respect that you are acting as a couple and taking care of the home together .

And be prepared: if you break up, it will be weird. It will be so weird, even stranger than any other gap you’ve had. At least for a while, you will have to come home every night to see the person you just broke up with. You will find out if they spent the night in someone else’s house or, even worse, they have a new connection.

“I think one of us would have to move out,” Patrick said when asked what would have happened if he and Sam had parted ways while still on the previous lease. Or both of us.

Enjoy

If you end up dating or dating a roommate, it will take you time (and probably a few awkward moments) to get there. After both of you realize that you are in love with each other, remember to relax and have some fun. You have a great meeting and you already have a good idea of ​​what it will be like to live together , so at least you have it for you.

Dive into how cute and successful it is! As far as you know, you can stay together long after your lease expires.

“To be honest, after the initial shock, I just felt happy for them,” Caitlin said. “And they are still together a few years later.”