How to Rekindle the Sexual Flame After Childbirth

Congratulations on the baby’s birth! Forget if you are ready to raise a person from infancy to adulthood. The real question is, are you ready to sleep again?

For young parents, this may not seem like the most important issue. After all, there is a lot going on in their lives. But sex is important, even if it seems impossible to imagine yourself doing it again, both emotionally and physically, right after birth.

You can rekindle a sexual spark even if you feel unattractive, have milk flowing, wear adult diapers, or watch a crying newborn with a baby camera. Here’s how.

Give yourself time to adjust.

If you were actively trying to get pregnant before you got pregnant, then sex was probably an important part of your routine. Perhaps you’ve scheduled burlap sessions around the ovulation tracker, or were just playing the odds by trying to use it as often as possible. With a baby to watch out for, the frequency with which you actually fuck may diminish, but the habit of planning your lovemaking can come in handy.

The first thing you need to plan is a day off. We spoke to two new mothers about their postpartum experiences, one of whom is a nurse providing valuable medical advice and parenting advice. They both explained that they were told to wait six weeks after the baby came out of their vagina to allow their partners to put something in their vagina. You must heal! Sure, you can mess around without inserting a p-in-v, but you may not have enough time, energy, or desire. This is fine. If your partner pushes you, communicate clearly and firmly that you are not ready.

“Immediately after childbirth – the most insane release of hormones for which no one prepares you. It was like menopause, hot flashes and aggressiveness at the same time, ”said Lexis K., an intensive care nurse with a one year old. “My libido didn’t exist for the next three months. I was so focused on keeping this man alive that I had just given birth to him, not to mention I was too exhausted to think about having sex with my husband. ”

On the other hand, Catherine Young, a 29-year-old business owner whose child is two years old, admitted that she and her husband were back in business a little earlier than the doctors recommended.

“The baby had some fluid in his lungs and choked several times and we almost lost him three times in the first 10 days, so sex was the furthest from my thoughts for me. Besides, you are exhausted, and everything hurts you, and you are in pain, and your world is shaken, ”she recalled. “However, after that, they say that you cannot have sex for six weeks. It was the fourth week and I was healed, and I was really looking forward to just getting close to my husband, so after four weeks we had sex. I felt like a rock star. I went back to my pre-baby weight – which at that moment seemed slim after carrying a man – my tumor was gone, my husband was such a sexy super-dad, and I just felt it. “

But what if you don’t “ just feel it”?

Embrace your new body and feelings

“Be kind to yourself. Remember that your body has just grown out of human cells. The organs moved and rebuilt to give this creature the opportunity to grow. Your body won’t bounce back in one week, “advised Lexis, who was shocked by how much her breasts had grown after pregnancy and decided to capitalize on this voluptuous surprise by buying lace underwear that she and her husband could enjoy together. … (“They don’t last forever and you will miss them,” she lamented about her momentarily enlarged boobs.)

“Our body, our mind, our priorities and our entire life change when we enter motherhood,” Young added. “Just as it took you nine months of pregnancy to become motherhood, it can take a while to feel like you are again, and you will never be that person again anyway. You can regain the body that was before the baby was born, or you can return to the weight that was before the baby was born, but you are forever changed, and I think this is something wonderful to lean on and accept. “

These changes are normal, but little discussed, according to Irene Fehr, a sex and intimacy coach who has written extensively on the topic . She told Lifehacker: “We are not normalizing what happens to women — confusion, new responsibilities, new mental stress, personality shift, hormonal changes, the mother’s brain, her body that does not belong to her — just to name a few. In this silence, I see women naturally disconnect from their partners. In this silence, both people come up with stories about each other’s needs and wants, and this leads the couple to trouble. “

Daddies, listen, because this also concerns you.

“In terms of heterosexual marriage, if my husband cannot admire the miracle that my body has just created, I don’t think he is worthy of being close to me,” Young said when asked what advice she gave to couples. whose nonparental partner may be less interested in postpartum sex.

If you find yourself reading this because your partner is not attracted to you after childbirth, Young recommended that you look inside yourself and find out what is really going on. You were pretty fond of them ten or so months ago, right? Is the new disinterest purely physical, emotional, or a mixture of the two? Talk together.

Die waiting

Lexis and Young said they had an active and exciting sex life before having children, but that understandably changed when they got pregnant. Each couple’s experience is different. For example, Lexis had no libido during pregnancy, while Young was repelled by the feeling that her unborn child was somehow “present,” but persisted because her husband was still rather lustful.

“The intimacy changed as it went from ‘us’ to ‘I take care of my husband,’” she said. “Sex felt like something to be noted on my daily to-do list during pregnancy.”

She also noted that after the birth of a child, she dealt not only with physical limitations or fears about her body, but also with mental disorders. Emotional changes are completely normal and you shouldn’t be offended by them, but understand that you can look at your partner differently when you become a parent. Young has had moments when she saw her husband as an attractive “super dad”, as well as moments when she was repulsed by the idea that he was contributing less than her.

“Life has gotten busier; you have this whole other person around 24/7. There is resentment seeping in, ”she said. “I am definitely the default parent in my house, and I would be offended by my husband because he slept all night and woke up wanting sex, and I kind of was in the trenches all night having sex. to be the farthest from my thoughts. I felt that he was not fulfilling his share of the responsibility, and that was unpleasant to me. “

Communication is important here. Young and her husband worked on this together. Communication and teamwork are paramount if you’re going to be a parent of a child, so add sex to your list of things you need to be open and honest about.

After they dealt with their parenting responsibilities, they got back to business, but not as often as before they became mom and dad.

Lexis agreed, saying, “Be honest with your partner. They won’t be able to feel or understand how you feel unless you help them understand. Get help if you need it. “

You have to anticipate that not only will your emotions get tainted, your body will change and you may think about the baby and other responsibilities, but you may never go back to the normal pattern of conceiving a baby.

“Many people compare themselves to their“ old ”self before the birth of a child, and now they see a sexually broken woman. Too often, she bears the burden silently, trying to figure it out on her own, “Fehr said, pointing out that the problem affects not only heterosexual couples, but any couple who have one partner and the other does not.” T.

Her advice matches that of Young and Lexis: You need to communicate. Creeping resentment about household chores, lack of sex, or whatever is a quiet relationship killer.

“If you haven’t spoken about this issue for a while, know that there are probably pent-up feelings about this,” she said. “Probably, there is resentment because we did not feel heard, understood and important to each other during this long period of time. Therefore, it is important to start the conversation in terms of understanding and compassion: “We are both confused and struggling with this, and it is difficult for both of us.” The main thing is to be vulnerable to each other and approach the conversation with openness and curiosity. “

Prioritize sex – and yourself

Parenting is a pretty selfless act. In fact, it can be the most selfless thing to do. But you know how it is: do not pour from an empty cup. You still need to prioritize yourself and your relationship, live a fulfilling life, and make sure you’re doing well.

“I don’t mind scheduling sex – if that’s what you have to do to get back on the horse, go for it,” Young said. “Take 20 minutes a few times a week and just get busy. Endorphins are likely to improve your mood and help you stay happy and feel connected, which is the best gift you can give your child: happy connected parents. ”

Lexis mentioned ultrasound therapy that helped her cope with the swelling, and recommended talking to the doula if you feel uncomfortable with anything to do with childbirth or your post-delivery experience. She also advised you not to push off changes in the way you normally have sex. If you, for example, have not used lubricant before but find that your body is drier after childbirth than it once was, she said that the best advice for her is to “get over it” and “buy some lubricant!”

Try not to make excuses. Remember that your partner is just your partner. They care about you enough to have a baby with you, and changes in your body or lifestyle won’t ruin that. Do your best to get back to bed – if and when you’re ready.

Fehr recommended taking time to reconnect with pleasure in general, not just sexual pleasure. She suggested drawing a bubble bath, taking a long walk to nowhere, or doing other types of self-care.

“It allows the woman to return to herself and find her base,” Fehr said. “It’s a way to help her gain control of her life, not just become a vehicle for others.”

Sit with that for a minute: you are not just a vehicle for others.

Your new baby will depend on you for a long time, so you need to create space for yourself, both sexually and otherwise. During her pregnancy, Young said that sex became an act of service for her husband, and after pregnancy, life became an act of service to her child. Make sure you communicate and return to a mutually satisfying intimacy to keep both partners happy and content. You have a lot of work ahead of you, and you will need all the pleasure and joy that you can get whenever you can get it.