Bars Are for Adults, Not Kids (and How to Know If Your Kids Are Welcome)
Imagine that you are sitting on a stool, and children of kindergarten and younger are running around on the floor, yelling for their parents and, as a rule, creating responsibility for any drunk adult who might have the misfortune of colliding with one of these tiny people. Suffice it to say that I have an ax for parents who bring their young children to bars.
This is the edge of life before COVID, which I hate to see return. The pandemic is receding here in the US and this is great news for parents, kids and energetic 31-year-old hipsters like me. So, as we increasingly find ourselves at watering holes where the legal limit for entry is 21 years old and where there is no food other than bags of chips, I implore young parents to leave their children elsewhere.
Your baby is not cute at the bar
Don’t get me wrong, I love children – absolutely adore them – and I look forward to becoming a father one day. Chances are, your cherub-faced baby will be adorable – just in any setting other than the bar. Once you walk into an adult-only facility to soak up and unwind from the bullshit of adulthood, your child becomes a threat.
On the rare occasion that a kid in a bar behaves well, most people will not mind, but such well-mannered guys are rare. Usually, at least in my experience, parents let their kids out on the bar floor like a dog in a wide meadow. The fact that adults are in the social establishment somehow means that parenting is relegated to the background of any micro brew on the menu.
Or consider it this way: When your child runs after my bar stool, screaming and laughing like he’s in Disneyland, he stops being cute. They are uncomfortable and frolic with the dedication you would expect from a child in a safe environment. However, the point is that they are not in a safe environment.
Is it legal to have kids in bars?
One of the most frustrating aspects of this situation is that your child is generally allowed to be in the bar. The fact is that in some states it is technically legal to bring a child to a bar (in others it is required that the establishment serves food for everyone under the age of 21). I will continue to denounce the legality of this burden for the rest of my life, but alas, the law is on your side, yuppie parents.
Children create an unusual atmosphere for everyone in the bar
My behavior with children is different from my antics at the bar, which is true for most people. I try not to swear in the company of young children (contrary to what you might believe from reading this far, I’m not a monster). A group of young children in a bar, especially if the children run around unaccompanied while their parents relax, creates an incomprehensible atmosphere for people like me.
What’s the etiquette to swear or grunt at a basketball game when I’m sitting next to a four-year-old? I don’t think we need to resurrect Emily Post to figure this out. If I leave my child at home with a nanny or relatives, I don’t have to think about how my behavior can be learned by a two-year-old.
What’s more, as the pandemic comes to a close, adults without children, after more than a year of isolation, are even more excited than ever. If you bring a child with you, he may witness some kind of adult behavior . Is this the scar you want to leave on your mind?
How to know if a bar is child friendly
Here’s a good rule of thumb: is there a children’s menu in the place you often visit with your kids? Anything else besides nuts, pretzels, or chips? To avoid the disappointment of disaffected people like me, consider finding a few places with a festive bar vibe that also have a children’s menu. In most states, you can even sit in a bar with your child, especially if you order food.
I understand that you chose to stay in the city to maintain the semblance of social life that you lost when you decided to become a parent. But please don’t spoil the bar experience for others because of this.