How to Stop Arguing With Your Partner Over the COVID Vaccine
Not all advice needs to be professional. Sometimes your problems deserve honest honesty on the part of a dude who has nothing but a computer and a conscience. Lucky for you, I’m that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love.
Today we are discussing what it would be like to have a seemingly implacable impasse with your partner when one person does not want to be vaccinated against COVID-19. And in that case, how do you approach the dilemma when the only partner for COVID vaccination is an intensive care physician?
Note: I am a reviewer, not a therapist or certified healthcare professional. My advice should be interpreted with this in mind. If you have any problems with what I am saying, please file a complaint here. Now let’s get started.
Hi Sam,
My fiancé and I have been together for three years now, and we have been engaged since the beginning of 2020, just around the time COVID broke out. It looks like the pandemic has only strengthened our relationship and made us appreciate even more what we used to take for granted. I work as a doctor in the intensive care unit and have learned from my own experience how severe illness and death from COVID can be. So when the vaccine came out, I was in a hurry to get mine, and I was very lucky to be protected early on. The rest of my family and friends are also vaccinated, so I am grateful that we have access.
On the other hand, my fiancé does not work in health care; he works in technology, has mostly remained isolated working from home, and surprisingly, no one in his personal life has contracted COVID. He doesn’t want to get the vaccine because he thinks the trials were done too quickly and he wants to wait at least a few more years before getting the vaccine, if ever, for more data to emerge. He is not against vaccinations because he received all the other vaccines. But when it comes to COVID vaccines, he read a lot online about the potential side effects that made him fearful, even as I tried to explain science to him using my medical professional experience. This is the first time we disagree about something important. We continue to fight over this because I cannot understand why he did not want to protect himself and the people around him. And the more I talk about it, the more it rests on the heels.
In the end I realize that this is his body and I cannot force him to receive it. However, due to the fact that he is not getting vaccinated, it affects our plans for the wedding, the ability to travel in the next few years, etc. He is also not sure if he will allow me to vaccinate our children if it comes down to it. and heck, there is no way that I don’t vaccinate my kids to protect them from COVID after everything I’ve seen. It seems to me that this violates our relationship, and it makes me doubt if we have a future at all if we disagree so fundamentally with such an important decision regarding health.
Any thoughts on how to fill this gap?
Vaccinated Valentine
Dear vaccinated Valentine,
I can only imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes. After all, you are an intensive care physician who has witnessed the horrors of COVID in ways most people could only imagine. So, having a partner at home who doubts the world’s best escape route from this marathon plague should feel like a direct challenge to your worldview as a doctor.
The first time I read your note, an image of your fiancé popped into my head, and to be honest, he was not a pleasant one: a dude who works in tech who wants to see more data on COVID vaccines and is perhaps good at potentially spreading a virus among others, prolonging our collective horror. And for what? Personally, when I think of such a dude, I think ass. Who is he to suggest he knows better than the global coalition of scientists who have developed mRNA vaccines ? Did he study epidemiology? Does he really understand the peer-reviewed research? Being skilled at one thing – working in technology – doesn’t mean you’re damn good at anything else, let alone tricky things like global epidemics.
But the truth is, I don’t know this person. You want to marry him, so obviously there is a lot of good in him, and I am obliged to come up with possible solutions.
You mention that this is a controversial topic, and while I understand how it might anger both of you, you may be asking yourself if you could take a more casual attitude about the COVID vaccine. If the very idea of discussing this issue is like a kind of trigger that instantly pits the two of you against each other, try, if possible, to get rid of the emotions. I mean, the facts are on your side — for example, the vaccine was n’t “too fast,” as he suggests, so perhaps a more detached presentation of them will draw his interest in logic.
I understand that this may be a problem for you, but try asking yourself a few questions and then perhaps starting from them: can you casually discuss the vaccination program and its success so far? Do you know how to deliver positive news in a neutral, non-confrontational manner? If you try to do it this way, he can get more used to the topic without feeling the need to rack his brains, as you put it.
Given that he is not an established opponent of the vaccine, the likelihood remains that he can be convinced that this particular vaccine is safe and effective. Will he get the vaccine in a year if everything stays calm on the side effects front and millions of people don’t get sick from the shots? If there is anyone who can convince him of the other side, it should be for you, given that you are a doctor and have no interest in lying to your fiancé about your health.
Now, for a moment, consider the broader context in which we live today. Vaccines are actually a triumph of scientific ingenuity and the collective effort of society, but they were, at least to some extent, the product of a highly politicized effort with a lot of fear-mongering involved. Of course, data is data, and vaccines are still safe and effective , but they help us understand the climate that influences some of our thoughts.
On the other hand – and I’m not going to hold back here – you are at a loss. Quite frankly, you’ve known this dude for three years, which is quite a long time, but that’s not true either. Could there be another hill he’s willing to die on that will prove insurmountable to your relationship? Plus, when it comes to vaccinating your kids against COVID, this is a very different mountain that you might have to climb when the time is right. (I assume he is in favor of vaccinating children when it comes to all the standard ones, but if that is not the case, it will probably be a violation of the terms of the deal for me.)
You don’t want this to portend new arguments when he doubles down on pride or something else that gets in the way of listening to scientific consensus. Fortunately, this is not inevitable, and you don’t have to put up with it if you don’t want to. But I hope he comes to his senses. Otherwise, you have a difficult path ahead of you.
That’s all for this week, but there is still plenty to do. If you would like to be mentioned, please contact me with a description of your dilemmas in an email to my address ( please include “TIP” or “HARD LOVE” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with the hashtag #ToughLove . Serious inquiries only: do not write or email me if you do not want your name to appear in this column. Disclaimer : I can’t answer everyone, so be sure to include the specific issue in your note. I will not respond to generalizations such as “rude” or vague descriptions of “relationship problems” without specific examples of what is bothering you. Take care of yourself until next time!