How to Educate With Strength and Flexibility
Much of parenting is about setting rules, expectations, and boundaries, and then enforcing them. Every parent at some point learns that if we do not agree with our rules, they very quickly catch it and begin to test the strength of our resolve at any moment. Let them skip brushing their teeth just this time, and they’ll beg every night for the next month to skip that chore.
But sometimes we get stuck in a constant battle because of a rule or routine that started a long time ago. If we think about it long and hard, we may not even remember why we made this particular rule – but throw up our hands and say: “ Okay! As you wish! »It is perceived as an invitation to cancel other rules as well.
That’s why one parent turned to Washington Post columnist Megan Leahy for advice. They struggled to get their 8- and 10-year-olds to wash and set the dinner table by 6:00 pm every night – to the point where the 8-year-old would completely abandon dinner in favor of play. instead of. While it’s unclear why it was so important to shower before dinner, or why dinner had to be on the table at this particular time, this rule has created inflexibility in the home that is not worth it.
As Leahy explains :
As our children grow and develop, we parents must remain flexible and strong. In my book Parenting Beyond the Box, I compare our parenting position to marsh grass. It is deeply rooted and durable, but extremely flexible at the top. To avoid or bypass unnecessary power struggles, you should zoom out and ask yourself, “Is the border I support an important value? Or is it me and the fear? “
By creating boundaries based on values, rather than “because I said so,” you have great chances to grow with your children; you are rooted and strong where you need to and open and flexible when your family requires it.
The swamp grass analogy is a more useful version of the classic parenting advice “choose your battles.” We know that there are certain things to which we must give in so that each day is not an hours-long battle of will. But deciding which battles to fight and which to surrender can be tricky at the moment. Conducting debate through the filter “Does this support important value, or do I want compliance for the sake of compliance?” actually gives us a more consistent yardstick for when to be firm and when to be flexible.
In the case of this parent, the core value may be the desire for the family to get together for dinner every night (or most evenings). To accomplish this and to alleviate the ongoing headache associated with showering and presenting a fully set table by 6 p.m., they may reschedule shower time, or ask the children to clear the plates rather than set the table, or lengthen the time. supper. back half an hour.
Doing any of these activities retains their core value and gives you flexibility on how to actually achieve it.