How to Show Kindness to Difficult and Negative People
Any interaction with a negative or downright evil person is unpleasant on many levels. Unfortunately, they are everywhere and are almost inevitable. You know this guy: rude and inattentive right off the bat, like they think it’s perfectly okay to treat other people like shit, but they expect everyone else to show them the greatest respect.
The problem is, everyone has their own limits. When faced with relentlessly negative people, it is very easy to sink to the level of the other person, responding to their hostility with your own.
But success coaches Doug and Lynn Nodland have a different strategy: countering the other person’s negativity with kindness is a topic they wrote about in a recent article for Chanhassen Villager . Here’s how they suggest we do it.
First, deal with your emotions.
As the Nodlands point out , it’s a good idea to remind ourselves that we are all human and each goes through certain times in their lives when they are particularly stressed, upset, or angry. When we are in this state, we can easily get annoyed or send negative emotions without even realizing it. So you might have met another person on a really bad day.
But, as therapists like to tell us, while we cannot control other people, we can learn to control our own negative emotions and behaviors. According to Nodlands, we must start by understanding why we feel a certain way:
What causes stress and negative emotions? Are you overwhelmed with responsibilities at work or at home? Does the person make you angry or upset? Are your feelings for people or situations triggered by things that happened to you in the past? Knowing the root cause of your feelings of negativity will allow you to make changes to reduce the stress you are experiencing.
Then take a moment to determine what you can actually change (i.e., not all and not all), and then take action to change that. If the problem is not something that can be changed, at least try to distance yourself from it.
“When making difficult changes, try to eliminate other stress triggers as much as possible,” write the Nodlands. “It is also helpful to change negative thinking patterns to more positive ones.”
How to respond to negativity with kindness
Now that you’ve processed (and hopefully) controlled your own emotions, it’s time to deal with the other person. Here are five ways Nodlands suggests doing this :
- Don’t copy other people’s negative actions and thoughts. Treat them kindly. This can mean an apology, if appropriate. Example: “I am sorry if I did or said anything that hurt you.” Accept the point of view of others without judging.
- Speak in a pleasant, friendly voice, as if you were talking to a friend. Keep your voice in check and avoid anger.
- Maintain an open and relaxed body position. Don’t roll your eyes, sigh, or show other negative body language.
- Breathe! Take a few long, slow, deep breaths through your nose, pause briefly, and then exhale. Diaphragmatic breathing relaxes and restores the center of your emotions.
- Smile, sincere, friendly smile. Smiling can help both you and those around you relax.
Will your kind smile make the negative person reflect on their own behavior and improve it? Probably no. But at least you can get away from communication feeling good about how you handled it.