How to Tell Your Partner That You Cheated and Still Maintain the Relationship

Well buddy, you really did it this time. You have cheated on a loved one and do not want to lose. Now you need to decide whether to tell them about it and how exactly you can start this conversation at all. It won’t be easy, but at least we can make it a little easier .

Think why you did it

You may be feeling unwell about something you’ve done, whether it’s a one-off drunk relationship or a longer romance, but try to calm down and think clearly. Human beings are programmed to find a connection both mentally and in the groin, but this is not a good enough explanation. You need to spend enough time thinking about why you did it, enough for you to understand. Before rushing to tell your partner about your hobby, make sure you know the truth yourself.

As dating coach Hailey Quinn told Lifehacker, “There are many reasons people cheat: some will cheat because they don’t feel valued at home, others to feel young again, [and] some just because the opportunity arises. “.

What are you reasoning? How did you feel in your main relationship? Your partner will ask you these and many other questions, so you need to have honest answers, both for his benefit and for you.

However, do not apologize so often that it seems to you that what happened is nothing special to you. Look at the situation from your partner’s point of view. You might think one-day hangouts or online chats are “pointless,” but would you?

“Just because a romance doesn’t grow into a physical doesn’t mean that disclosing it is less important,” Quinn warned. “Have you dated someone on a few dates, but then ended them before you ended up in the bedroom? Emotional infidelity may be more difficult for some people here to accept than binge drinking. While you may choose not to disclose when you created your profile on the dating app, “just to see what’s in there,” if your romance is a reality, you need to talk to you. “

Make sure you want to talk

We are not telling you to confuse something here, but every relationship is different. Only you know the details of your agreement and what impact it can have on your soul mate. Again, you should have thought about this before. (Sorry, but it really hurts.)

Of course, if you do decide to withhold this information, and they find out about it in the future, you will find yourself not only in a critical position for deception, but also for dishonesty in this regard.

Amy Lidingham, Certified Dating Coach , commented, “I think it’s important to know your motivation before you tell your partner. Are you telling them out of guilt? Are you telling them because you want a divorce? Or are you saying because you want to solve your problems and save your marriage? “

She mentioned that she had heard other relationship coaches advise not to divulge one-off incidents, but argued that “honesty is the best policy,” and you should admit it, especially if your goal is to continue the partnership.

Also keep in mind that if you choose not to tell them, you are playing a game of chance that they would not otherwise know about. Do you want to constantly worry that when you ran to the store, you left your computer open, and that your partner reads your messages while you wait in the endless line at the checkout? Can you ensure that the person you cheated on doesn’t get jealous or righteous and tell you?

“Someone tricked me, and unfortunately I had to hear this from the person he was cheating on, not from him,” said Nivin Jay, host of the Swipe Left dating podcast. “Mistakes do happen and I think this relationship could have been saved if I had heard the news from him. I think it is very important to be open with the person you are with, not only when it’s good, but even when it’s bad. If you hear something directly from the person you are talking to, it may make you angry, but if you hear it from someone else, it will only add fuel to the fire, as if you felt uncomfortable. “

When in doubt, ask yourself if you really want to keep the relationship at all. If you’ve cheated because you don’t feel cared for, cared for, or sexually gratified, you need to find out if it is helpful for you to stay in that situation.

Talk

After you’ve calmed down, studied the facts, played out all the possible scenarios in your mind, and decided to continue the conversation, you need to be careful and direct.

Leadingham advised: “First, make sure you both are in a safe place to have unprotected conversations with each other. It is important to focus on facts [and] be specific. Don’t try to dance around the topic or lie. “

Quinn added that it is important to disclose all the details during the appointment, saying: “Your partner will lose more and more faith in you as more details emerge over the weeks. Raise your hands instead, be honest, apologize. “

Lidingham, Quinn, and Jay mentioned one important, key piece of advice: Don’t blame your partner, even if you felt dissatisfied when looking for side effects. This does not mean that you cannot or will not ever solve basic problems; just say it’s not the right time to start talking about your cheating. This is a discussion about what you did, not what your partner did or didn’t do. Give them time to ask questions and get angry before pushing them even more defensively.

“Later, when your partner expresses some of his anger, you can try to fix areas in your relationship that made you feel dissatisfied,” Quinn said.

Plan for the future

Recognizing what happened is the first step, but it’s just as important to work with your partner to strengthen the relationship – provided they don’t leave you immediately, which we cannot guarantee.

After this initial conversation, choose the best time to continue the conversation. Go to the same page. Think about your feelings, underestimated or inferior, and find out if there is a compromise that you two can make. (Keep in mind that your partner may be cold towards you and may not feel particularly inclined to work with you for a while. Take it!)

Somewhere along the way, something got lost in translation, be it your needs or your individual understanding of acceptable behavior. After some time, why not establish some ground rules? Ask if your partner thinks posting flirty DMs on Instagram is cheating, for example, or little ways to blow off steam like this is okay. Ask if they ever wanted to change or break up. It would be painful to know, but if you feel like a relationship isn’t enough for you, it probably isn’t, and for it to work, you both need to be honest. We’ve got a guide on how to open existing monogamous relationships here too if you think you might work.

“Explain why you won’t undermine their confidence in the future,” said Jay, who is not entirely sure if you are about to be dumped. “You screwed up. Just take responsibility and hopefully this person will also want to deal with you. ”