What to Say When Someone Says to You: “This Is for Your Own Good”
“I do this for your own good” is a saying that naughty children know well. Parents love to pull it out to justify punishment for bad behavior, as if the kid would appreciate it knowing that he’ll eventually appreciate the fact that you loved them enough to get their Xbox taken away for a week. But when it comes to adult-to-adult relationships, the phrase is often used to remove guilt on the one hand in an argument and, in practice, to justify unfair forms of ostracism or abuse. It provides the rationale that anything one person does or says can be forgiven because it is done to benefit their partner, family member, or friend – when in fact the opposite may be true.
This is why the words “this is for your own good” will never benefit anyone, and how to react when someone says this to you.
It is “more hidden than open”
Latent forms of violence are psychological in nature and often take on insidious forms that do not appear offensive on the outside: for example, someone gasses you or is silent . Another of these tactics is to insist that some form of punishment is for someone’s “own benefit,” and therefore inherently benevolent. This is actually a manipulative ploy that can be used to justify ostracism or ridicule, usually used with the intention of controlling another person. As Lifehacker Dr. Heather Stevenson , a New York City psychologist, tells Lifehacker, these should be taken seriously, especially if they recur in your relationship:
Things like trying to control or dictate someone’s behavior and actions, sometimes based on the premise that “this is for your own good” or “I’m just watching over you,” are red flags that cannot be ignored.
These forms of controlling behavior can be unconscious, and it may not be obvious to the person claiming to represent you that they are actually condescending, or perhaps even insulting. Generally speaking, bullies tend to suffer from a range of psychological illnesses , including insecurity and depression, so it is possible that they unwittingly hurt you.
According to Stevenson, if a loved one or friend makes you responsible for your own emotional well-being, that is also a sign of abusive behavior:
Likewise, if a significant other or family member tries to nudge you into a particular cause by stating that “if you don’t do X it will hurt me,” this is actually a subtle form of manipulation that can indicate aggressive dynamics.
What to say if this happens to you
First, if you can safely question the logic of how everything that is done to you may be “for your own good,” just ask your partner or friend how this is happening. For example, if someone ignores you, insisting that you will gain some benefit from their evasion, it can be productive to ask them how this actually happens. If you can find gaps in their logic, if they succumb to such a task, it can help them find other ways to communicate with you, even if they are not happy with you.
Moreover, it is important to note that you are the best advocate yourself and understand that it is in your best interest to do better than your partner. They certainly have the right to make suggestions, but they definitely don’t have sole discretion about how you live your life. They can definitely explain their logic, especially if they think something is going “for your own good,” but you are more than entitled to disagree.
First of all, Stevenson advises to trust your instincts and seek outside help and vision of a solution to the problem. She writes:
If you experience this in a relationship, tune in to your gut reaction, which might turn you off from the request or demand, and don’t ignore it. Seek outside information, especially from a qualified therapist or therapist, on how to identify these behaviors and how to maintain your boundaries and sense of self.
More importantly, if the dynamic in your relationship continues, it may be time for you to reach out to couples for a consultation together or consider ending it.