How to Spend Your Time Raising Children Smarter
When our children are still young, we try to satisfy all their needs and desires. We are their whole world, so it doesn’t matter how tired or busy we are – when they call us, we pay attention. We go wherever they go, and together with them we experience what they are experiencing. However, as they get older, the way we spend time with children naturally changes – or at least it should .
The way we connect and the experiences we hold tight to must adapt over time, but in fact, we may find that, despite our best intentions, most of the time together is wasted. We try to do too much, or what, in our opinion, want us to do our children. We get stuck in a routine prioritizing the same things we used to prioritize.
Amy Jen Soo, who co-founded a coaching and leadership development firm, writes for the Harvard Business Review that this is exactly what happened to one working mother she recently coached. Carol confused her schedule to get to her daughter’s weekly soccer practice, and her daughter didn’t care. But there is a way to focus on quality time with our kids, rather than a lot of time, so that parents can free themselves from guilt for not being able to do what is needed – and kids can feel like we’re still here for what is for them. really important.
Here’s what Su says that Carol – and we all – should do:
Rather than end up feeling underappreciated or guilty about the time you spend or don’t spend with your kids, you can proactively sort your time and energy for parents. I encouraged Carol to try the approach I use with leaders at work: prioritizing according to input and enthusiasm. To do this, think of one of your children and answer the following questions.
1. Contribution. What activities I do, what tasks I do, or what types of support do I provide that my child values most right now? (Answer for each child individually.)
2. Passion. What activities, tasks, or types of support give me the most motivation, inspiration, or energy as a parent?
You know what activities you enjoy with your children, but perhaps you spend the same amount of time doing things that you don’t like because you felt you should . And you may be doing this because you think it is very important to your child, but perhaps it really is not.
The types of tasks and time our children value, and the support they need, change dramatically throughout childhood. When they are young, they may want us to be present every time they leave and leave school so that they can enjoy those few extra minutes with a captive audience – until they get a little older and prefer to ride the bus. or hanging out with friends. You may be able to tell them which activities they value the most, but if you’re not sure, ask them. About once a year, you can talk to them about it, like Su does :
As a working parent, I use the ritual every year of sitting down with my son at the start of each school year and asking him about the three main things I do as a mom that he appreciates the most. When he was younger, I made a list of everything we did together and asked him to put a star next to his three favorite things. Now that he’s older, it’s a much more open conversation. Then, to find a middle ground, I compare his three main contributions to my three main passions.
This is where the sweet spot lies – the wisest use of your parenting energy: where their highest value coincides with your greatest hobbies and inspirations. Perhaps you both enjoy going out together, such as playing card games or shooting hoops in the driveway. Or you may enjoy cheering them on in swimming competitions, and it is just as important for them to get your support when they compete. These are easy parenting victories.
First and foremost, you should give up the activities that they value the least and exhaust you (this is football training, if you are Carol). We are left to argue about what they value but drain us, and about the things we love to share with them that they don’t give a damn about.
For the former, it’s probably time for us to back down, as we’re putting too much emphasis on things that they may not even be doing anymore (you enjoy watching them dance in their ballet class and they may not want to disappoint you quit smoking, but these days they just don’t like it). And for the latter – things that they value and that also drain us of energy – look for ways to reduce your involvement, perhaps by hiring someone to do the tasks for you if you can afford it, or by reversing roles with a partner. who may find this more satisfactory.
As you contemplate this, it is important for you and your children to remember that this is not about spending less time together, but about making room for the things you both look forward to the most and finding solutions for those areas. in which you don’t. t sync completely and give yourself permission to give up certain things that you may still be doing, just because that’s what you’ve always done.