How to Help a Grieving Child on Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day is a fairly simple holiday in many homes. Mom is asleep, the children bring her breakfast in bed, and she receives handmade cards, small gifts or flowers. But in many other homes, this day is a vivid reminder of the loss – a tough day for adults who have lost their mothers, and for mothers who have lost their children. And it can be especially difficult to help a child get over the grief of losing their mom every day, especially on this day.
Here are some ways to help grieving children get through a difficult Mother’s Day.
Get to know them where they are
As Mother’s Day approaches, your most important task should be to realize where they are in the process of their grief and to meet them there. They may feel anger, denial, sadness, guilt, or all of the above on any given day, and rightfully so. Grief is not linear and they have no right or wrong way to experience, and assessing where they are in the process of grief will help you determine how best to spend the day.
It could be healing for everyone to tell funny stories about her, or they might have to curl up on the couch under a large blanket and watch movies all day. The following suggestions are ideas to keep in mind when trying to assess what works best for them.
Spend the day as (semi) normally as before.
If the family has always celebrated Mother’s Day in a certain way, it would be a comfort to them to preserve these traditions in any way they can. If you used to cook breakfast together to bring it to her bedroom, the family might have breakfast together in bed or have a picnic on the bedroom floor in honor of her. If they always made handmade postcards, they can still do it and put them on her dresser or some other place where she can show them. If they used to collect a handful of flowers for her, ask them to pick several flowers to place in their favorite vase or take to the cemetery.
Having special celebrations can help them feel like they are doing something at a time when they may feel helpless because of loss.
Choose a special plant or candle
After bereavement, it can sometimes be helpful to have something to nurture and develop. You can plant a tree, bush, or a special flowering plant that their mom loved so they can water it, care for it, and watch it bloom. It can be comforting to see something in her honor come to life in the same place every year.
Alternatively, you can also purchase a special “mommy candle” that you light every Mother’s Day, as well as on other holidays, special days throughout the year, or on important days when they would like her to be there, for example high school graduation.
If there are several children, it can be helpful for everyone to choose their own plant or candle to make them special.
Share your favorite dish
If mom’s favorite food were spaghetti and meatballs, followed by fatty creamy cheesecakes, today it might be worth treating yourself to the whole family. Or, if takeaway has always made her happy, order at a few of her favorite spots and prepare a buffet dinner. You can overdo it in any way that you know would please her. Share your memories over the meal and talk about how she would like it, knowing that she will be glad that you do it in her place.
Likewise, you can visit a place she loved, such as the nearby beach, her favorite hiking trail, or the park she used to take them to.
Create a memory box or album
A small project can help them focus on their work , and it can be a good way for them to collect some items that remind them of it. They can create and decorate a memory box by filling it with the gifts they received from it, as well as photographs, a favorite scarf, jewelry, a bookmark that she has always used, anything that helps them feel connected to her memory.
Likewise, you can help them create a photo or scrapbook with pictures, postcards of places they have visited with her, favorite quotes, pictures of TV shows they used to watch together, or special sayings that she used frequently.
But most importantly, don’t push it.
The most important thing is not that you do any of these specific things, but that you do what will be most beneficial for them on such a difficult day. You can give them multiple options or just leave it open. Ask them, “What do we do this year for Mother’s Day?” and let them choose how they want to spend it. This gives them a voice and confirms the importance of their feelings. For everyone – including you, as this is a loss that you are probably experiencing too – it helps to plan ahead so that you don’t have to suddenly decide what to do when the day comes.
Be sure to practice taking care of yourself and yourself and find a way to feel comfortable that day.