How to Talk to Children About Sexual Abuse
One of the hardest things about being a parent is living with the knowledge that there are so many potential scenarios or people in the world that could harm our children. One of the most terrible and devastating things that can happen to our children – it is sexual assault or attack, especially given the fact that offenders are often those they know and trust, or someone whom we know and whom trust.
This is why it is important to start conversations about safety, privacy, and consent while they are young, and maintain those conversations as our children grow and reach different stages of development. But it can be difficult to figure out where to start and what words to use, so I spoke to Dr. Tia Kim , Vice President of Education, Research and Influence of the Committee on Children’s Affairs, for advice.
The conversation should start when they are toddlers.
For such a frightening and awkward conversation, you might not think it makes sense to start laying the foundations when they’re just two or three years old, but those are the years when you can introduce some basic concepts of privacy and consent in a fairly natural way. Kim says the focus should always be on personal safety; Just like you say they need to wear a helmet when they ride their bike, or wear a mask to prevent germs from spreading, you can also teach children the difference between safe and unsafe touching.
“I love being reminded of the three principles of safety when it comes to preventing child sexual abuse,” she says. “First ‘R’ creature, teach your children to recognize safe versus unsafe touch; [further] the ability to refuse unwanted touches; and [finally] that it is also very important to report their behavior if it happens to them. “
With very young children, you can start by identifying body parts by their anatomically correct names and normalizing communication by incorporating them into your daily routine.
“As a parent or caregiver, you can find useful points to bring this up where it feels very natural,” Kim says. “I have two boys. When they were very young, and I taught them to potty, from time to time, when I helped them to go to the bathroom, I would say: “Who can touch your body parts?”, As if it was just a natural conversation to have, because that this is what was happening. “
And carry on as they get older
As the kids get older, you can continually develop these conversations by adding more nuance and detail. A good “safety rule” for an older child might be to remind them that adults should never ask them to keep touching or unsafe touching a secret. You can talk when you put them to bed, or when they enter their teens, when you are driving, so they don’t have to look you in the eye. It’s important for them to know that these threads are never closed, even if they might feel a little uncomfortable.
If you’re unsure of when and how to talk to your child about sexual abuse, the Committee’s Hot Chocolate Campaign has put together practical guides here for parents of children of all ages:
For older children, it is also important to reiterate that sexual abuse doesn’t just happen in person, Kim said.
“It can happen on the Internet as well, so I think this is an important part of the conversation,” she says. “Saying,“ It’s never okay for an older person to show you pictures of their private parts or ask you to do the same, ”are things like that. Parents should also be mindful of online safety. ”
If they report abuse
If your child – or any child – tells you that abuse has happened or is happening, you are likely to be amazed at how you respond, how to process the information they give you, and how to manage your emotions about it at the moment. The best and most important thing you can do in this scenario is to remain calm and trust them.
“ The most important thing is that you really have to believe what the child is telling you,” says Kim. “It is very rare for children to lie about sexual abuse. So I think it’s very important for adults to keep this in mind; even simple statements like “I hear you” and “I believe you” are very powerful. “
Kim says that in 90 percent of child sexual abuse cases, the perpetrator is someone the child and the family know well, which can make it even harder for the child to reveal what happened. This is why, she says, constant conversation is so important to keep lines of communication open so that if they do become victims of violence, they feel like this is something they can come to you to talk about.