How to Ask Your Partner to Watch Porn With You
Pornography has a complex history in the United States. From the Golden Age of Porn , when it was a little-known subgenre of cinema (films like Deep Throat and Behind the Green Door, produced nationwide), to its fall in the late 1980s, thanks to anti- pornography , let alone amateur porn on the internet, has changed a lot over the years. While this art form has a negative connotation, it can still be enjoyable when consumed in a healthy way. Watching porn alone can be personal and intimate, but watching in partnership can be even more rewarding. As reported by Psychology Today, a 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that couples who watched pornography together reported increased sexual intimacy over time, while those watched separately reported mixed results. : Women tended to report that viewing alone resulted in a stronger “relationship.” commitment ”and closeness with their partners, while men reported otherwise. Despite the potential positives, viewing porn in a relationship still often gets a bad reputation, and asking your partner to share their viewing experience can be challenging. Here are some porn-related expert tips to help break the ice with your partner (s).
Connect with your partner before discussing porn
There is no right or wrong time to bring porn up to your partner. The right time is when you feel ready. Sexologist and somatic sex educatorJuliana Goldstone (who often offers one-on-one counseling on this matter) advises you to be frank about the matter. “It’s important to bring up the idea of sharing porn when you already feel connected,” says Goldstone. “If you are currently struggling in your relationship, it will take some time to think about what works before you suggest watching porn with your partner.” Porn can be addictive and bring a new level of pleasure to your relationship, but it should not be introduced in the hope of fixing any existing intimacy issues.
Tune in to the right
People watch porn for a variety of reasons. This can help the observer visualize the fantasy or introduce him to sexual experiences that they have not previously dreamed of. Goldstone invites people to reflect on their intentions when viewing porn with their partner (s). “Do you have a fantasy that you want to share with your partner but cannot describe in words?” she asks. “Can watching porn help you share that fantasy more effectively? More importantly, how do you want to feel before, during, and after watching porn together? Inspired? Connected? Included? Curious?”
Once you get a clear idea of what you and your partner can experience and explore together while watching porn, you will feel more confident talking about it with them.
There is also a lot of shame about consuming pornography , so it is important to make sure that you are in a good place and can be vulnerable when you share your desires. First, know that you’re not the only one enjoying porn: in 2020, the popular video site PornHub reported a whopping 120 million daily users – and noted that its traffic skyrocketed during the outbreak of the pandemic. Millions, if not billions of people watch porn regularly. But separating these desires can be very vulnerable. Goldstone suggests using self affirmations and grounding yourself by taking a few deep breaths before and during the conversation.
“Be honest with your partner about how you feel during the conversation. Some simple statements such as “This is vulnerable to share,” or “I’m a little nervous right now,” or “I might not get this the first time, so please bear with me,” can breathe some spaciousness and grace into the conversation. which may seem intimidating. You don’t have to say the perfect words to have a successful and constructive conversation.
Communicate your boundaries and triggers
Pornography can be playful and sexy, but it can also be harsh and harmful in some situations. “Unfortunately, porn is rife with harmful stereotypes, sexism, racism and downright bad behavior. Look for porn that suits your values and interests, ”says Goldstone. You want to make sure that the porn you choose is enjoyed by both parties and that you are clear about your boundaries during the experience. Goldstone advises couples to stop and eliminate any discomfort that may arise if a member is feeling annoyed or upset. She also pleads with couples to “leave enough time to reflect on the experience after you are done.”
You are embarking on a new experience with your partner that can spark new thoughts and feelings. First, seeing your partner turned on by someone other than yourself can be a strange feeling. “It’s important to remember that just because a partner gets turned on by something or someone other than you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love or want you,” Goldstone says. When these feelings may arise, it is important to remember to breathe and be transparent with each other. Keep lines of communication open and make sure everyone is cared for.
Manage your expectations
Although pornography depicts intercourse and sexual situations, it is still entertainment. Some scenarios don’t come true, so manage your expectations accordingly – just because you enjoyed watching something together doesn’t mean your partner will want to participate in the activity in real life. Goldstone explains that “with care and attention,” viewing pornography together can offer a level of “fantasy and fiction [that can] be the perfect ingredient to add zest to your own life.”